The retarded gambler

2010-08-20T15:37:00.000+01:00

17 selections!

I’m trialling a new formula for my weekend football mug accas. I’m sure that I often get influenced or put off by the price of a team value hunting rather than straight selections. How many can I pick and get a return? I went down the list on the BBC sport page for English Saturday games only and came up with 17 selections.

It’s only early season so not much form to go on and only a small investment so I’m thinking four groups of 4/5 teams in a lucky 15. I’ve done that before and put all the small bankers together with more on the short price teams. This time I might make it more random as I know there will probably be one from each group that goes tits up! Hopefully I’ll get lucky and put all the losers in the same group. I reckon if I was to get 16/17 and only picked a treble to back I would include the loser! Anyhow, we’ll see how it goes (and I’ve avoided Coventry at home to the sheep shaggers but I do think Cov will win):

Arsenal v Blackpool
Everton v Wolverhampton
Wigan v Chelsea, 17:15
Burnley v Leicester
Hull v Watford
QPR v Scunthorpe
Reading v Nott'm Forest
Carlisle v MK Dons
Charlton v Oldham
Sheff Wed v Brighton
Southampton v Leyton Orient
Swindon v Brentford
Crewe v Barnet
Rotherham v Cheltenham
Shrewsbury v Aldershot
Southend v Port Vale
Stevenage v Stockport

Rob

2010-08-18T15:03:00.000+01:00

Almost!

I can't be arsed with a full update again at the mo, this is just a quick brg/beat from playing the £50 at the Ricoh again last night. As usual I'm here knackered after anoter late finish.

I refused to chop as I wanted a 1st place and had £500 cruelly snatched out of my back pocket. All the chips in the middle with my K2 v 86 on a K84 board only for the 6 to come on the river. I have so many near misses it's not getting any funnier. Still another decent result from a 102 runner event if a little frustrating. 4 goes at this and the two weeks I wan't runner up has been out KK v AA and that monster missed post-flop draw for a huge stack last week. Fair to say I like this tournament and will be back for more.

Rob

2010-08-11T10:44:00.000+01:00

Missed!

I played the £50 at the Ricoh again last night and was going ok. 38 players left average stack 25k I’m playing 40k and one guy on the table (BB) who was hitting everything playing 70k. I get Tc8c in the cut-off and make a standard raise. Button and SB pass and BB calls. Flop 7c6h5c. BB checks, I bet, he raises and I shove. He calls with Ad8h. I have half the pack running for me but I miss and his A-high is good enough for the 80k+ pot. Average final table chips is 90k so I would have fancied another deep run if I win that crucial pot. To be fair I was looking to get into a pot with him and despite thinking I played the hand ok, he would have paid me regardless, so I maybe should have actually got there first before shoving.

It means that I will now miss the first ever Betfair meet with the guys from the forum too. I could probably scrape the buy in, but with fuel accommodation and drinks/food etc it’s a minimum £500 weekend. If I had a result I would have attended, but no bother, they’ll be others I’m sure.

Whilst I was playing, I was keeping tabs on the Worthless Cup that Cov got knocked out of away at Morecombe. Is it ever too early to suggest that you’re concentrating on the league? In fairness AB did make 10 changes from Saturday but that doesn’t disguise the fact that it was still a reasonably strong side and should have had enough to get through.

One point I forgot to mention about Saturday’s game against Portsmouth was John Utakah. I understand that this guy is on £80k per week and along contract so is refusing a move. It came as no surprise to hear the ironic cheers by their fans when he was substituted. The position they are in, it is daylight robbery. If they can’t get him on fraud or theft then masquerading as a footballer must be a crime because he was again hopeless too. I imagine his monthly pay arrives in a ‘swag’ bag. I guess whoever out of Storrie or Redknapp etc that lined him up with this deal is really responsible so you can’t blame him for taking it, but the guy obviously has no scruples as he continues to extract blood from a stone.

Mentioning their supporters in such times reminds me, because they were immense. 2-0 down with no players fighting for the cause, they kept going right to the last whistle. Perhaps as well because as the season goes on I think the team will need them every inch of the way.

We’ve got Jason’s funeral this afternoon so we’ll be closing the office as a mark of respect. I think it’s going to be quite tough for many and I imagine a packed church. Usually when people have passed on you hear nice things about them even if they were a complete cunt, but I doubt that I’ve ever heard so many positive and seemingly genuine comments about one guy and that’s testament to the way he was. I’ll have a couple for you today Jase.

Rob

2010-08-09T14:19:00.000+01:00

Happy birthday to me!

I’m not sure what the fuck I’ve just killed. It looked a bit like an eerie-wig (sp?) but on closer inspection I think a beetle had been fucking a centipede.

It’s my birthday today and here I am stuck at fucking work. I have been to KFC for lunch so not all bad (demonstrating that I know how to live the high life). Why is it that on MY birthday I have to buy all the cakes for everyone at work? I think on my birthday everyone should buy me a cake and then I could sit here stuffing my face with about 30 chocolate éclairs. It wouldn’t be pretty but I’d have a good go.

I didn’t exactly get off to a flyer on the betting front at the weekend. Fortunately I didn’t get on Norwich Friday night and then dodged another bullet being too late for the Southampton game (although I understand there was no Ricky Lambert), but it mattered not as the five-fold I did get on was still let down by Reading at home to Scunthorpe.

I played the £150 (+£18 robbing cunts) at DTD yesterday and ran like Stephen Hawking. I didn’t cash and should probably have gone broke about three times before I eventually did. I don’t know what it is about that place. Perhaps the mental psyche, but I’ve yet to cash in about half a dozen visits. Bearing in mind my overall record in live tournaments, which is fairly incredible (even if I do say so myself) for the amount of times I’ve played, I’m pretty disappointed with my showing there. My buy-ins at DTD are approaching £2k and is the only casino in the country that I’m showing a loss in (Duffs apart but only two visits and up on his home games/Betfair games lol). I wouldn’t mind if I could put it down to being out played, but the standard was again woeful.

At least Coventry got off to a flyer on Saturday. It was an excellent team performance and a fully deserved win. Pompey lacked everything we had in bundles which was desire, attitude, effort and togetherness. They had some obvious quality that would improve our side but the goals and points were rightly ours. Freddie Eastwood scored both and I know that played regularly and his rightful position, he could be the 20 goal a season striker that we are still searching for.

I picked Doyle v Brown as a key battle before the game and was concerned when I saw who the ref was (Andy D’Urso). Doyle was brought in for a specific task and kept him quiet. Brown is one of those horrible nasty little whinging moaning dirty cunts who winds up the opposition and in Doyle we have one of our own so Boothroyd it seems decided to fight fire with fire. I still hope that Clingan will be the preferred choice in the middle but AB showed he isn’t about popular decisions and if he thinks a player is right for a job he'll back his judgement like he did at centre back too. I always worry about Turner and particularly when I rate both McPake and Wood so highly but in all fairness Turner was excellent throughout as was young Cameron who at 18 looked very composed and I think has a bit of needed pace about him too.

I couldn’t really find many faults at all. Some of the sharpness and touch wasn't there but its only game one and that will come. I pray that it's not another false dawn because that's the most positive I've felt coming away for a long, long time. Play up Sky Blues – operation Premiership back on :-)

Rob

2010-08-06T10:09:00.000+01:00

It’s back!

Footie season starts tomorrow and I’m going to try and get off to a flyer with a seven-fold in the opening week. Best price was 48/1 for the acca on oddschecker, but I imagine I’ll be lucky to achieve half of that from the swag-bag thieving high street cunts.

Coventry (of course lol but they will beat Pompey tomorrow who don’t even have a keeper yet), Norwich (tonight), Southampton (12.15) if either of those go down you can still get back on for the rest who are Charlton, QPR, Reading and Sheff Wed.

I’ve also been looking at season bets and I think Southampton are a cert for league one especially if they can keep hold of their front two past January. The Championship will again be ultra-competitive but I have a sneak for Reading at a reasonable price. The relegated teams from the EPL have no cash or a bad manager and there is no value in Boro with a load of jocks and an awful manager. Doncaster will surprise quite a few again and are a bit of value to sneak into the play-offs I think. Coventry will be better than last year but I still only think mid-table beckons. League two looks tough, but I might be tempted by Northampton or maybe one of the promoted sides in Oxford or Stevenage to go straight though.

My EPL selection is a little controversial. Despite a few years of nothing and Wenger still refusing to address the blindingly obvious goalkeeping problem they have, I think Arsenal represent a bit more value than the front two this year if they can hold on to Cesc and keep him fit. I’m not having Man City. They may have spent a lot of cash and it’s shaken up the big boys but I still think vying for fourth is as good as it will get for them unless some real quality arrives soon.

I will do a full update on Monday (my birthday :-) ). Not much to report really on gambling front. I went to the same poker tournament on Tuesday that I did well in last week but never got started and about two hours in, I walked KK into AA all in pre so an early night. Might have a bash at the DTD £15k gtd on Sunday.

Happy punting
Rob

2010-07-30T16:55:00.000+01:00

Friday part deux

I split today’s update into two posts because I wanted Jason’s to be separate from my usual ranting and moaning. I also didn’t include his surname as I don’t want it to appear on Google searches and have other colleagues learning of this blog … particularly ‘the cunt’ or others who I’ve been slagging off on here. It’s not that I wouldn’t say any of it to them face-to-face, but may cause me problems if they discovered it in print!

Why are football supporters so stupid? On the regular forum I use I can’t quite believe some of the hysteria surrounding some of Coventry’s pre-season signings. So many appear ready to write them off before they have even kicked a ball and yet would quite happily sign Marlon King who not only is a career criminal but also isn’t even that great. One good season a few back among many mediocre ones before and since is not a guaranteed recipe for success.

Poor old Clive Platt who may not have an impressive cv was signed on Wednesday and some of the criticism from people who know nothing at all of him is shocking. In all fairness there is a chance that he may not succeed but I really hope he does and the best way to achieve that is if we get behind him. The arguments pro King seem to revolve around the idea that because his best spell was under Boothroyd he can recapture that and produce form and yet they appear unwilling to extend the same chance to Platt who has also previously been managed by Boothroyd but is less high profile. Either back his judgement or don’t use it as a reason. Retarded hypocrite cunts!

Just a couple more moans and I’m done. Firstly when did the Pakistan cricket team get renamed as Park-E-Starn? I must have missed that. It’s stupid journalists on tv and radio who are worried about saying the word “Paki” whilst all they are doing is highlighting their fear of racism by enhancing the sound. What the twats don’t realise is that people from Pakistan whether there or in the UK don’t mind and the derogatory side only comes from when the ignorant use it as a term for those of Indian descent. They then have every right to be outraged in the same way that I would if someone called me Scottish!

My final moan is about fucking binmen. I know it’s an honest living, so I cast no aspirations on their character based on a menial job but simply because they are fucking cunts! They won’t collect the bin from outside the front of the house because of health and safety laws so I need to wheel it to the end of the drive to be emptied. Fine but when you’ve emptied it, put it back where it came from instead of in the middle of an empty drive. It means every fucking week I have to get out of my car and move the fucking thing before I can park up. Would you like to know how much tip you’ll be getting at Christmas this year? That’s right, halfway between nothing and fuck all.

Enjoy your weekends – I’m off to watch Coventry in a preseason friendly against WBA then I’m told its beers and a curry. I’m happy to make such a sacrifice.

Rob

2010-07-30T10:20:00.000+01:00

Jason

I had planned on an update yesterday, but I was pretty cut up when I got to work to find out my good friend and our MD had died the previous night. He was only 42 and had a young family which makes things feel even worse. A top guy and despite me never being the most politically correct among his staff, he often counted on my opinion because he was aware I would always offer an honest and frank one.

Despite such an elevated position he found plenty of time for me and I would count him as a friend before my boss. In fact he’s the reason I’m still working here as he talked me around when I threw a ‘wobbly’ and handed my notice in a couple of years ago.

I have many anecdotes I could recite, that almost without exception involve alcohol. My favourite was probably when I had not been with the company long and I got pissed in the afternoon at the Christmas bash. He was heading off home after the meal thinking the staff might relax more without him around, but was one of only a handful grinning, whist others were left open mouthed in shock as I blurted out “Come and have a drink you miserable cunt!”. I don’t think too many would have got away without any retribution on the Monday, but he knew that I meant no offence and took it in the spirit that it was meant. RIP Jase.

Rob

2010-07-28T09:32:00.002+01:00

Knackered! (But at least I had a result!)

I played that £50 f/out at the Ricoh (mentioned on last update) and finished 2/107 for £1k. I really needed that if only to get through the next month a little more comfortably. Great tournament 10k starting stack and 25 minute blinds throughout. I didn’t even play that well although I did lose two major pots at crucial times, so I was pleased to run well enough to get there. With £3,500 left in the pot for the top three and two of us having chucked away big chip leads to be all fairly even, we took £1k each and played for the 500. Heads up I was 3/1 chips down and never recovered, but not grumbling.

The only problem was that we didn’t finish until 5.15 am and I still had to drive home and be back here at work 20 minutes ago at 9am – I’m totally fucked and throwing coffee down my neck.

I would have feigned injury for a day off unpaid and still may go early, but gonna see if I can make it through to lunch and get my head down for another hour a sI have my car booked in for MoT at the garage directly next door to work. I thought it would be convenient but now looks like a schoolboy error.

Rob

2010-07-27T11:15:00.000+01:00

Fucking idiot!

I told you in the latest post what a thick cunt I am, well I excelled myself again at the weekend. I decided that as there was fuck all on the telly Sunday night I would settle down for a night of on-line pokering as when I used to play regularly Sunday’s were always a decent night and usually some MTT value around. I hadn’t played on-line for a while. Well that’s not strictly true, I had an invite for a 500 runner max £1000 ‘comeback’ freeroll on Paddy Power last week. I decided that I would have a bash, held the chip lead for about two hours and with 20 players left got muppetted twice in one orbit to be eliminated for a monster £7.50!

Anyhow Sunday we had been to the ‘PlayFarm’ with Amelia and it happens to be not far from William Hill. I had about £60 left after lunch and purchased a ‘Quick-cash’ voucher. I looked at the worthwhile tournaments to play and fancied the $109 $25k gtd freezeout but I was about $17.50 short so I took it to the cash tables to spin up quickly and it lasted no time at all. I three bet pre with AKs and when someone shoved on me I called. Not great play I know, particularly calling and also as I had no other funds and I knew nothing about him. Regardless he flipped the huge 66, I lost the race and that was that. I didn’t even get to play an MTT. If I can get motivated later, then I’m probably having a live game tonight at the Ricoh instead. £50 freeze and £5k guaranteed – I could do with a result!

The Ricoh links me nicely onto my other passion – the not so mighty Sky Blues. Yet more signings and once again I’m brimming with pre-season unfounded optimism and another false dawn … but this time it could be different :-) Lee Carsley should be terrific at this level and they have also signed a promising young player Lucas Jutkiewicz from Everton. I know little of him but I’ve seen a Van Basten style finish in the memorable 6-6 Motherwell v Hibs game when he was on loan last season. Someone on the fans forum challenged people to come up with a song. My effort was “He’s Lucas Jutkiewicz, You’re fucked if you’re dyslexic” I can’t see it catching on :-) Exciting times and Operation Premiership here we come (I’ll be whingeing about them on here by October).

Ok as Britain’s most miserable moaning cunt, what else has pissed me off since my last update? Well to start with there is the cunt who wrote to me at work suggesting that I wasn’t important enough and he wanted someone senior to appease him when I issued him with court papers. He’s some big noise at an organisation I knew little of and when our sales manager told me it looked like I’d dropped a clanger, I don’t think me replying that he was a “jumped up little prick” helped the situation. I did go onto explain that if paid his bills that my action wouldn’t be necessary, but that didn’t stop him going over my head. Thankfully my boss backed me up and told him to fuck off too.

My car was fucked again last week and only because of work they had done previously at the rip-off Land Rover garage. That didn’t stop them charging me for additional parts and labour the fucking thieving cunts, knowing that I had no choice but to get it done. Tax and MoT due this week too. I wish I wasn’t such a lazy fat fucker because I only live a mile from work and cycling or walking would be a much cheaper and healthier option.

Rob

2010-07-23T21:01:00.000+01:00

I'm a thick cunt!

If you wondered who I was talking about in the last post when I kept referrring to "Hamilton" I meant Tomlinson. No idea why, but I must have had some mental blockage writing earlier. I was too busy ranting to take notice of the facts :-)

Have a good weekend all
Rob

2010-07-23T12:22:00.000+01:00

Soap-box time again!

I think I need a well overdue return to my soap-box. How the fuck can that cunt Nick Griffin (and he is a cunt) be banned from the party at the palace? Whether you agree with his policies or not, he has a democratic right to be there and the weak excuse for banning him was pathetic. Hands up who thinks he would have been banned if it was Muslim propaganda he was spouting instead of his own brand of bull-shit?

Reading my blog it might be hard to believe that I was once a fair and rational human. In fact I used to be reasonably tolerant but can’t authority see that each time they behave like this for fear upsetting a minority of any race or religion, the more alienated I feel (and I’m sure that I’m not alone) and the more intolerant I become. I’m not an ignorant person and I’m not inherently racist either, but I am of the opinion that any views I hold that represent my being white, Christian, western or even English are viewed in decreasing value. This annoys me and I feel like minded people have no platform to express these views as we are considered intolerant and lumped together as racists with people like the BNP.

Whilst I have this soap-box I’d like to address a few other points that have pissed me off in the news over the past few days. What a fecking surprise that the copper who pushed over Hamilton at the protest will not be charged. From what I can read between the lines, I think Hamilton was a cunt and a trouble-maker who required and possibly deserved a slap but that doesn’t give the thugs in blue any right to administer it, be videoed doing so and then face no charge. If anyone from the general public had pushed him over and that was the result they would be on a manslaughter charge. Brave old coppers sniggering to each other in full riot gear and shields, simply to clear up swampy and his mates.

My final society rant is at Sam Slaggy Stobbart. She gets shot by Moat and to be fair she didn’t deserve that, but then neither did the copper or her new boyfriend. She should share some culpability for that, knowing what she said and how he would react based on previous history. I wouldn’t wish shooting on her, but some northern tart who I guess (and it’s only my opinion) has benefits coming out of her ears, was then paid a six figure sum by the CuntsOfTheWorld newspaper for her ‘exclusive’. Utter gobshite, retarded slag. Anyone who buys the paper encourages this crap so my campaign to stop buying newspapers starts here! If they realise that only retards are remotely interested in what she thinks or even how much weight Cheryl fucking Cole has lost (at least she’ll make your cock look bigger) then they might get the message and report the news or better still just fuck off.

Keep smiling :-)
Rob

2010-07-21T14:39:00.000+01:00

Dr Cunt

I’ve been off on the sick – genuinely ill! In fact I’ve not felt quite so bad for some time and lost 11lb in weight over a day and a half. I know this because for a short period I became obsessed with weighing myself. Now 11lb on me is barely noticeable, in fact you could argue it’s similar to throwing a deckchair off the Titanic but nonetheless significant in such a short span of time. Mainly it was fluid lost whilst sleeping and much out the back of my head which was a bit worrying.

I had weighed myself only the day before as it happens and I know you’re only supposed to do this something like a couple of weeks apart and always at the same time of day, but having not eaten I was curious and on checking had lost 5lb overnight. I was aware that when I started eating and drinking properly it would soon go back on and it already has, but after two days of nothing I was surprised just how quickly things change. When I discovered after waking on Friday lunchtime the full extent of the 11lb I was amazed. I then ate for the first time two slices of ham sandwich. That’s two pieces of bread, one slice of ham and a thin layer of spread. I managed to hold it down but still sat on the sofa sweating profusely and also went for a shit shortly after lunch. I was due at the doctors at 4pm so I went and had a bath before that and as I was in the bathroom, I weighed myself again. Wtf??? I had put 3lb back on! A fat cunt I may be, but how? A fucking sandwich compensated by a shit! I can only assume that I must have been breathing in some particularly heavy air!

Obtaining the doctors appointment wasn’t as easy as you might think either. I’m about as fit as an asthmatic turtle, but I rarely feel the need to trouble the doctor and yet it seems that I need to book a bout of illness in advance as the following Tuesday was the best day they could offer me. Useless fucking cunts if I’d known I was going to be ill I would have booked an appointment what good do you think fucking Tuesday is? Anyhow my final option was to phone back at precisely 2pm and they would advise if there had been any afternoon cancellations and I got a 4pm slot. I get there slightly early, the fuckers leave me waiting around for an hour feeling like shit, breathing in other germs and then deal with me in under a minute. Wtf does everyone else talk about in their room for what seems like hours?

The longest part of our conversation was me requesting a sick-note for work. They prefer you to self-certificate for the first seven days as they would be otherwise inundated with requests. I’m aware of this option but our current work policy is that if you don’t obtain a sick-note, you don’t get paid. What can I do but waste my time and the doctors knowing full-well what my symptoms are and what’s required? The result is that they are prepared to raise a note but at the cost of £15. Money-grabbing cunts, but preferable to losing two days pay so I duly oblige.

I assumed I could reclaim this on my expenses as I had a receipt, but was informed at work it was my tough luck. So they insist on a note but are not prepared to fund the raising of them. About fucking right for this place at present. Money wasted everywhere with people unable to see the bigger picture and think that penny-pinching and alienating staff is the way forward. It might only be £15 but I felt more aggrieved at that than having lost time in the past.

The upside to being ill was getting to watch the entire four days golf at St Andrews but as usual I ran badly in the betting. I won’t bore you with the details but I kept missing the prices and leaving the trade only to see significant shortening on said players that I would have greened out on quite quickly. I run too bad, I’m sure it’s personal.

Coventry have so far managed 0-0 v Hinckley and 0-0 v Nuneaton. Looks like another season of excitement ahead at the Ricoh!

Rob

2010-07-14T16:34:00.000+01:00

George Carlin

I had never heard of this guy, apparently he is an american comedian (paradox) but a little browsing and I stumbled on his many quotable lines.

My favourite: “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

Well worth a google - certainly beats working and if you can put up with the shite I spout on here, then you'll love him.

Rob

2010-07-12T12:10:00.000+01:00

They think it’s all over (thank fuck it is now!)

The cheats beat the spoilers 1-0 and that’s as much space as I’m giving to the WC final. Throughout it has probably the worst world cup tournament in my living memory in terms of quality and excitement and from a betting angle disastrous - thank fuck it’s finished. I got a tenner for Germany’s third place in the office sweepstake – whoopee!

Friday night I spent watching Retard News Live after Roaul let himself get caught. The shoot-out that I was tuned in for didn’t materialise and eventually the police got bored and Tazered him into shooting himself. At least that’s my take on it although I’m sure the official line will exonerate all but Moat.

My favourite quote: “There's not a woman out there worth dying or spending a minute in prison for. Walk away. If you haven't noticed, females are all over the place. All sizes, shapes and different colours, although sadly, extra large seems to be predominate”

Highlight of the evening was when a pissed up Gazza turned up pretending to be his mate with a fishing rod, a kebab and a can of lager. I know he’s never been particularly bright and has always been a bit of a ‘character’, but it’s now embarrassing that just about the most talented footballer I’ve ever seen play live, has descended into this. Those who encourage him by giving air time are partially culpable, but his antics make uncomfortable viewing/listening. A waste of talent, a wasted career, and these days when completely wasted is a waste of space.

Saturday night we were drinking in a hot-tub. These days I don’t do pissed. It’s not a brag, simply a statement that I seem unable to get drunk even on copious volumes of alcohol. Perhaps my size is a factor in this. My mate who owns the hot-tub told us all to enjoy our ‘hot-tub hangovers’, but I didn’t believe him. We’d been quaffing red wine and Stella (not together – I’m not quite that bad … yet) but as one who didn’t understand the science of drinking whilst surrounded by hot water and feeling fine all the time, it came as a surprise to learn that he was right when I awoke at 6am on Sunday with a banging head. A couple of paracetamol and an abundance of water required, before retreating to the pit for a few more hours. A couple of lagers and a game of snooker before lunch was necessary to sort me out properly.

I’ve been having a ruck or two recently on a Coventry fans forum concerning the potential signing of MK and have even considered writing to the club to request a season-ticket refund if they sign him. I know you’re all probably assuming that when he scores a few goals I’ll forgive his previous misdemeanours but I hope I’m made of better character than that and urge them not to sign him.

Ok, suppose I should do a little work now :-(

Rob

2010-07-09T15:07:00.000+01:00

Latest betting

Which will happen first?

Raoul Moat to be found Evs
Madeleine McCann to be found 3/1
Bin Laden to be found 33/1
Lord Lucan to be found 50/1
Andy Murray to win a Slam 10000/1

Prices subject to change

2010-07-09T11:43:00.002+01:00

27bslash6

Yesterday I clicked on a link from someone else’s blog, I can’t remember which but may have been soaps or wildcats. What I found was genius!! I was hooked reading for hours last night. You may already be aware of his work, but there is a guy called David Thorne who pretty much spends his whole time being sarcastic and trying to annoy people via the power of email. His site is 27b/6 and here’s the link to my favourite and his most recent taking the piss out of a colleagues missing cat: http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html click on the links to some of the others too – I really like “5pm”, “Simon’s Pie Charts”, “Blockbuster late fees” and “overdue account”

We have now entered day 7 of the Raoul Moat hunt. I don’t know if it’s the fact that it’s up near Geordieland but in my head imagine it to be the voiceover guy from the big brother house. I can hear him now: “Day 7 in the hunt for Moat. Tennant bends Sim over the desk and slips it up the wrong’un”. Actually that Chief Cuntstubble Sim is a very strange beast indeed. She reminds me a little of throw-back to the eightees with that weird hair and high trouser-line. Only acting at the minute and must be 1000/1 to retain her position after this fiasco. I saw a residents meeting on Sky last night and the two of them seemed to be revelling in the spotlight believing the hype that they were some kind of double act. We’ll call them ‘Sickness and Diarrhoea’. Still the net is closing so we can all sleep safely :-)

Please, please, please Aidy don’t sign that cunt Marlon King :-( I know I have little in the way of morals, but it would offend me to see such a vile specimen of humanity in a Sky Blue shirt.

Rob

2010-07-08T17:40:00.001+01:00

Go on Raoul my son!

Am I the only one sat here pondering how I hope Raoul Moat takes out Kay Burley?

How fucking useless are the police? All the resources of our ‘brave’ force are undoubtedly enjoying their overtime and probably hiding from him … if he’s even there which I very much doubt. He is probably miles away laughing at the tv, as his mates strategically place mattresses, tents, letters, light fires enjoying the runaround from Laurel and Hardy incompetent rozzers.

Six days now, with those resources and a detailed description they really are fucking retards. The latest tactic to ‘flush him out’ suggests that the ‘wider public’ are now also at risk. Every step of the way, letters have been released and yet this time nothing. Funny that … do you think they might be telling pork-pies and scare-mongering by any chance? Terrific policing, How will this all be paid for? Well as a motorist I wouldn’t want to be driving near Rothbury any time soon because no doubt they’ll do you for doing 29mph in a 30!

They are only interested because he shot one of theirs and not some random con’s slag and her new fella. I just thank god that this is only one untrained person with no real access to artillery, because it’s worrying that this could be a real threat by a proper outfit. If we relied on those clueless cunts to look after us we’d be fucked!

If you’re reading Raoul, then I’ve just received a text that says if you really want to know, then your Mrs wasn’t shagging the filth but was seen leaving a mosque boasting of a gang-bang :-)

It’s been a while and I know I said I’d finished but fk it, my blog and I am – so there! Quick Cliff-notes update: I’ve been on holiday. England were dismal in the World Cup. I’ve not had a winning bet for as long as I can remember. I’m skint!

Never have I predicted so many games wrongly and I’ll be glad when it’s all over. It didn’t get off to a flyer losing £600 on England, Spain and Argentina all to win their openers.

The holiday was great, apart from being stuck watching the England V Germany bar mid-afternoon in the hotel bar with fellow ‘brits’. I always want Scotland, Ireland and Wales to lose at everything too, but more rivalry and fun – I’ve never before witnessed such bitter venomous hatred towards the English than I saw that day. It was embarrassing and the whooping and hollering as the German rout took place, left me cold. I don’t expect their support, nor do I want it and need it. They are as far away from me as France, they just happen to speak a less coherent version of the same language, but foreigners all the same.

Some German’s were there and they cheered their team on,, no problem with that, good luck to them and they deserved to win, but the bitter, jealousers (especially one ‘orrible little sweatie) can fuck off. Yes I do see the irony in me discussing their hatred and then producing a xenophobic rant, but tough.

I then heard the news saying how an Andy Murray victory would cheer us all up. How exactly? The whole thing about him hating England may have been blown out of proportion but it’s not relevant as he really is a grumpy, scruffy, jug-eared cunt and I took even greater delight than normal in watching another failing, choking demise from him.

No news on the poker front - Nick texted yesterday and even offered to put me into the £100 at DTD at the weekend, but even petrol and exes are a push at the moment. I seem to be getting deeper into debt and not even gambling, just all my loans etc all slowly catching up as we try to keep our heads above water. I’m considering a second job, but I don’t like my first one much! My one saving light looks unlikely in that I can pray house prices will increase dramatically again soon. If I can get my equity to be 20% I can re-mortgage and square everything up much easier. My mess but I predict some tough times ahead and a tightening of the belt, so unless I can get something together quickly, don’t look back here for gambling and poker stories, just misery, whinging and despair!

Chin up folks :-)
Rob

I asked the wife if she fancied a game of rape. She replied “No!” I said “that’s the spirit love”

2010-06-03T15:25:00.000+01:00

Shit blogs – this one included

I’m thinking blogging is finished. I know with first hand experience that this one is not as good as it was, particularly as I play little poker these days. It’s become too serious and after regular updates for a short period again, I don’t now if I can be bothered too much at the moment, so this might be the last for a while. In fact, I can be arsed to read many other blogs either. Sometimes I’m in the mood for writing and then it becomes a bit of a chore again. If anyone still reads, I don’t know as my counter has disappeared off the bottom of the page, but I suppose it’s more of an occasional diary for me than anyone else and being a miserable moaning cunt on here does sometimes lift my day.

My other concern is if it’s in print then it will come to bite me on the arse when I say something I shouldn’t that upsets too many people. For instance I don’t know why (perhaps because I’m a cunt) but I really want to share a couple of the Cumbria jokes that I’ve already been texted, but I know it’s too soon and sooner or later I’ll say something that upsets someone who knows me.

At the same time I refuse to edit or dilute my views (which I’m sure some people think are to the right of the BNP, but I promise I’m not that bad). If I have to water them down then there’s no point in writing at all. I’m not concerned that the mother-in-law will ever get a pc and discover it, but even if she did I’ve not been too controversial there because to be perfectly honest, she is a complete cunt and in reality, genuinely is at least as bad as I portray her on here.

What I’m thinking is to maybe a new direction, perhaps write a novel instead. Not to get published and make money, I might even open a new blog and put it out on there a chapter at a time, but just for me and to allow some creative licence, although I have tried that before and given up at the end of chapter one. Maybe I should make it semi-autobiographical, with the leading character being a fat, gambling, alcoholic with a limp - we'll call him Bob or Rod.

Ok, final joke before I finish: Paddy goes to the doctors and says “I’m having hearing difficulties”. Doctor replies “can you describe the symptoms?” and Paddy says “Sure Doc, Homer’s a fat cunt and Marge has got blue hair”

I hope that if you’re reading this, then it finds you well, regards for now
Rob

2010-06-01T11:16:00.000+01:00

England Squad

Fabio Capello today announced his final striker for England’s 23 man squad. He is reported to have said that it was "among the toughest decisions in his managerial career". In a surprise twist Capello has decided to opt for ‘Own Goals’ ahead of Heskey or Bent.

Own Goals has had a terrific season for Man Utd notching double figures and is thought to be Rooney’s preferred partner. He has been more prolific and looked sharper than both Bent (Ee aw) and Heskey (Ee aw, ee aw) in training, culminating in finding the net twice against Japan at the weekend to cement his place.

2010-05-28T12:26:00.000+01:00

Jamie Cuntagher

I can’t fucking stand Jamie Carragher. He’s a cunt. I hate the fact that he could be selected as one of the final 23 in the World Cup squad that will be announced on Monday. I detest the fact that he turned his back on England three years ago. I’m disgusted that he should return after the shit he wrote in his book, slagging off England and the fans (albeit that many of them are morons)… but none of that is really important any more, since what I find most annoying about his probable inclusion is that he is now fucking useless too!

In the past I’ve possibly been unfairly critical and one of his harshest critics, since he is one of those people I instantly disliked without too much justification. However, these days he has the turning circle of the QE2 and tackles with the timing of Santa at mosque. He’s a fucking liability. Please do the right thing and bin him before its too late Fabio. I saw a discussion on footballers you would most like to punch and he would be high on my list along with Bellamy, Lee Hughes, Nicky Sumerbee and Robbie Savage. I imagine some of those would figure reasonably high in lists many fans would compile.

With regards to the 23 it looks like Capello is giving Barry all the time that he can after a woeful performance from Carrick on Monday and he is desperate to include him, but it looks like he won’t make it. Carrick wasn’t alone. There were shocking performances from some of the regulars and also Leighton Baines and at times Ledley King. It’s a shame for Ledley, I really like him but defensively he was pretty poor against Mexico and that could open the door even wider for Cuntagher as he covers RB and CB :-(

My guess on the seven that miss the cut: Barry, Wright Phillips, Dawson, Bent, Parker, Warnock, Upson. If I had my choice then I would take a risk on Barry ahead of Huddlestone, Dawson over Cuntagher, Bent ahead of Heskey and Warnock instead of Baines.

Another old gag I got this morning that I’ll share:
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' I recognise her. She's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Rob

2010-05-28T09:59:00.000+01:00

Late comeback in vain

In the quarter-finals of the Prostitute Murder Cup (sponsored by Rohypnol), an injury time hat-trick from Stephen Griffiths wasn’t enough to stave off defeat for struggling Bradford. The 40year old veteran striker whose efforts fell short, looked distraught as the whistle was blown. The hammer blow came in the first half as Stephen Wright steered Ipswich into a seemingly unassailable 5-0 interval lead, but he was hanging on and forced to tighten up at the back as Griffiths threatened to catch up.

Wright now faces a tough test the Semi-final, where he faces the McCanns who have Europa league pedigree, before hopefully meeting old adversary Rose West in the final. West had earlier received a bye straight to Wembley following the acquittal of Colin Stagg.

Final score Ipswich 5 Bradford 3

Rob

2010-05-25T17:17:00.000+01:00

Fuck the news!

I hate the press in all forms. I never used to get angry about them, but why they feel the need to sensationalise everything goodness only knows, which I guess begs the question ‘Why do I watch?’ I can’t answer that directly. I do like to know what’s going on, but I want them to do their job in reporting and move on. It shouldn’t be about ratings and I couldn’t care one iota who is wearing what or who is fucking who.

Yesterday there was a horrific crash where three people lost their life in a crash involving a coach carrying schoolchildren and a car. Awful news to report but Sky of course revel in people’s misfortune. There was a similar story local to me at Hatton, just outside Warwick last week, but that didn’t get nearly the same airtime (not that I wanted it to) because this time the dead people were in the car and the coach driver with only smaller injuries to the children. Somehow not as important and can’t embellish in the same way. In fact yesterday they kept saying “two schoolchildren dead” in the sound-byte headline. Only in the meat of the ‘story’ did you get that a third person from the oncoming car was also dead.

Ok, it was newsworthy and that would have been fine, despite their time-filling bizarre obsession with trying to get eye-witness accounts and interviews with the grief-stricken, but then today was so much worse. They were at the school of where the dead children attended and went into detail about the mood of the place and how children were coping, even taking a press call from the headmaster. For fuck sake you leeches, how on earth do you think they are feeling? Leave them alone and stop invading their privacy to get your pound of flesh.

That brings me on nicely to my next moan - £6bn of cuts from the government. This is a good thing and yet all I heard reported was that it was “insignificant in the scheme of the total debt”, it was a “token gesture” and that we had found out last week the national debt was actually “£20bn lower than predicted”. So the fuck what? We have to start somewhere or it will keep rising. We found £20bn – great, but that’s not a reason not to save another six! I simply don’t understand what they want, but I assume they simply engage mouth before brain.

I played poker last Thursday afternoon in a qualifier for a seat to the £1,000 GUKPT main event at Coventry on Friday but fell short in the freeze-out stage having AA cracked by QQ all in pre. It was a double disappointment not only because after a flopped Q, I turned a flush only for the board to pair on the river (real set-up hand!) but it was to the most obnoxious cunt I’ve ever had the misfortune to sit next to. Some pro who was a friend of Paul Zimbler that I recognised (Cypriot called Andryos or something) and who was bemoaning his luck and arguing at other peoples ‘poor play’ then sucked out on me for his whole stack leaving me schrapnel. Why do these cunts get it in so bad and hit? He obviously can play a bit because he had just finished third at Nottingham the previous week in the 600 runner UKIPT PokerStars event. At least he was dealt a poor hand by god (if only I believed in him) in that he made my Tourettes look insignificant and me almost normal by comparison to his constant twitching and grunting.

I had Friday off work to spend with Caroline and Amelia if I failed to qualify, although we spent part of the day in furnace temperatures, helping a mate move house. The first two beers barely touched the sides. We then went over with my dad to renew the season tickets and despite lots of pessimism on the radio surrounding the appointment of Boothroyd, I’m feeling quite positive. If the number of other renewals on the same day that the staff told me about was true, then perhaps people were more encouraged than had been first anticipated. Play Up Sky Blues!

On the betting front I had a nice touch on a 5/1 double for Blackpool and Inter Milan on Saturday that covered all my weekend action. One bet I might have that I hope fails to yield a return is on Paddy Power’s ‘Volcano betting’. I like the idea as a kind of fun insurance. We’re heading to Spain for a week or so next month and you can select the time of travel and the relevant airport to be given odds on your holiday being affected, should the ash clouds return (it has stopped erupting now).

Rob

2010-05-19T12:25:00.000+01:00

Schoolboy error

Fellow blogger Mudwig made what can only be described as a schoolboy error yesterday. I passed over my account details and password, so that this could all be updated and now allow a blog list to be included with latest updates on. I had an unnecessary panic that it would return to be at the very least, bright pink and translated to Hungarian. Much to my disappointment, not a thing - certainly not that I’ve spotted yet anyhow. Perhaps I shouldn’t judge everyone’s actions by my own low standards :-)

Another excellent tv show has somehow passed me by. We borrowed the Inbetweeners box set of the entire first two series and akin to having never seen a G&S episode that I mentioned a few posts back, I’ve always avoided this too. It was only my bed calling that eventually made me stop watching, after viewing the entire first series last night and I have the second series pencilled in for tonight. If you’ve not seen it, then I suggest that you get hold of a copy immediately.

Not only was it tremendously funny, but also included a welcome return to my vocabulary for the word ‘clunge’. Clunge represents one of my favourite words for the snatch region that I’d simply forgotten. A very under-valued contribution to modern language that I have successfully reprogrammed to memory plus.

I had intended going to poker last night at the local, in an attempt to win a few quid and have a go at the final UKPT qualifier tomorrow but to be perfectly honest, when it came close to the time I would need to get ready and leave, I was less than arsed to make an effort to attend. Once I’m changed into my ‘slops’ and I have my home comforts at reach, all I want to do is veg out on the sofa – such a lazy cunt. I’ve provisionally booked off Friday so may still go to the Ricoh although Caroline has the day off too and with the impending cheerful weather that has been forecast, then I’m sure we’ll go somewhere regardless.

No definitive news on Cotterill at the City yet, but I was disappointed to read some of the negative comments on the fans forum before the guy has even started. He still may not be offered the position, but some ‘fans’ seem less than willing to give him a chance. He ticks most of the boxes for me and people need to remember where the club is currently languishing.

One other piece of news that really wound me up yesterday was that Muslim guy, who has been confirmed as Al Qaeda and who poses an ongoing threat to UK security. He has round the clock surveillance costing a fortune and yet we can’t deport him because his life would be in danger if he returns to his native Pakistan. Wtf??? GOOD! Send the cunt back asap and if he gets shot boo hoo! I certainly won’t lose any sleep over it. I’m sure the vast majority of peace abiding Muslims would prefer that he fucks off. Utter gobshite cunt and the people who allow his stay are equally to blame. Why do we even have to hear about these wankers? Surely they can just be made to ‘disappear’ before they become newsworthy? Let the SAS take them out or something and anyone who objects can fuck off too!

I received a call from a charity organisation this morning, requesting that I donate some of my clothes to aid the starving people throughout the world. I told the cunts to fuck off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

Rob

2010-05-18T12:05:00.002+01:00

Guitar hero

I picked up my guitar for the first time in a couple of weeks last night. Don’t excited, I can’t play it one bit but I’m trying to learn … well I was.

What started this latest crazed idea was spending a weekend at my brother-in-laws about two months ago. He has a few guitars, some decorative as part of a collection, but he can play really well. In fact almost any song we gave him, he looks at the chords on the internet and immediately plays a recognisable version – I thought ‘this is good, I’d love to be able to do that’. The problem is that like the rest of me, my fingers are chubby too. I’m what the musical world would deem a fat fingered twat - and the metal strings fucking hurt, I can’t play for long (I now know what Bryan Adams meant when he said “played ‘til my fingers bled”)

Well I had a quick go and he showed me how to position my fingers on the fret board in order to play a couple of basic chords and let me strum away (I have had many years practice at finger strumming). It was fucking hard, but sounded ok The main problem that I encountered was I couldn’t link them together and as I have little patience I expect to be able to do things immediately or I tend to give up. He explained that he had been playing for a number of years and that if I just learn eight basic chords, that are all played on the top three frets, I can have a stab at almost any tune. Well that didn’t sound too difficult and I have always wanted to learn. I play no musical instruments and speak no foreign languages, not that they’re related, but you get my point I’m sure, in that I wanted to learn a new skill, totally unrelated to work, and that would last indefinitely.

Within hours of returning home I was on ebay and ignoring all advice about starting with an acoustic, I bought an electric guitar with tuner, amp, case, stand … - the full package. I’m what you might call impulsive (I prefer single minded) and assured Caroline that I was determined and this would be no ‘whim’, fully intending to teach myself via the internet. Well I guess she was right because after a couple of weeks of picking it up nightly, it has sat there looking pretty and not getting plucked (insert your own joke here). I do still want to learn, but I imagine that if rapid progress is not made soon, then it will be back on ebay.

Some news on the CCFC job is linking Steve Cotterill to the position. This wouldn’t be a bad appointment at all in my view, so fingers crossed but I guess they will need to agree compensation with Notts County and that could be a stumbling block. Any of him, Mowbray, O’Driscoll, Howe, Curbishley would do for me. Watch this space – I’m quite excited and unrealistically optimistic yet again.

Last night I watched the most recent Opinionated (Frank Skinner) on BBC iplayer and Jason Manford was guesting. They were discussing the biased Sky news that I mentioned on here last week and he referred to it as “The Sun for people who can’t read” – priceless :-)

Before I finish, can anyone please leave me some instructions on the comments page, of how I change the links on the right hand side? Many of the ones that I read are not listed and I have to go into other blogs to get links. I didn’t set them up originally, so I don’t know how to change them. I also note that many other bloggers have something that shows when they were last updated so that you don’t need to go in and see if there has been a new post. Again if you could help this dinosaur who has been passed by in the technological age, it would be most appreciated.

My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I have to admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her - I'm an undertaker.

Rob

2010-05-17T14:57:00.002+01:00

Charlie Uniform November Tango

I’m pissed off with Lord Triesman and his unguarded comments, I’m pissed off at the scummy Mail for printing the story, simply to sell a few extra covers and risking to derail the 2018 bid, but what pisses me off most about this charade is fucking Max Clifford. I hate this cunt with a passion. In fact I think I hate him more than Davina McCall and CJ from Eggheads (earlier post) and I though that impossible.

Every time there is a whiff of scandal, that cunt Clifford’s ugly mug appears as being the representative and always for such dishonourable people that he attempts to ‘spin’ into the victim. Rebecca Loos, Jade Goody, Vanessa Peroncel are some of the previous society leeches that he has represented. The cunt is a wank-stain on what is already a shit-stained society - I would rejoice if he was taken out. He has the moral fibre of a shit cleaning bush and would have represented Rose West if he thought there was a few quid in it for him.

Another weekend passed and still no news on the new Coventry manager. Tony Mowbray suggested last week that he interested, don’t fuck about Ranson he’s available and won’t cost anything to get him out of a contract. Please go and get him because I can’t see many other reasonable candidates beating your door down.

I’ve had my appraisal at work this morning (hence no a.m.update :-) ), which was an excuse for me to sound off on my soap-box for a couple of hours before being told that I’m doing an excellent job and they are more than pleased with me (well who wouldn’t be?). The only small criticism was again my timekeeping (for about the tenth successive year) which tbh has been an issue since I was about five years of age. However, they said “we won’t make an issue out of it because it’s give and take and we know you give us value and quality through the day”. Who would have thought it? Looks like I can start taking the piss a bit more then.

I put the phone down, turned to my wife and said, "Well, your mother's late" The wife replied "Late for what? I didn’t know she was coming” "No, you misunderstand" I said smiling. "That was the hospital. She's dead"

Rob

2010-05-14T10:27:00.002+01:00

Friday!

Thank fuck for that, it’s seemed such a long week -I hate working for a living so much. I’m well aware lotteries are a tax on the stupid, but I’ll be playing the Euro Millions tonight and the English and Irish lotteries tomorrow. Please let me win!

I’m still pretty skint so I’ve not been pokering at all, but I wouldn’t mind playing the £50 re-buy satellite on Sunday at the Ricoh for entries to the UKPT next week. 10 seats guaranteed might have some value, but unless I have enough for a few re-buys I doubt that I’ll bother. I’ll have a small investment on something at the crookies on Saturday and see if I can spin it up to something worthwhile to have a bash at. I’m keen to play the main event but it’s looking increasingly unlikely. Never mind, they’ll be others I guess.

I was listening to Talksport yesterday lunchtime, discussing unseemly games of the past. The occasional real horror tackle apart, full blown genuinely dirty games thankfully seem consigned to history. With only a few weeks to the world cup it was inevitable the ‘Battle of Santiago’ would get a mention (Chile v Italy 1962). If you get a chance have a look for this on YouTube, it was like one of those games described as a fight where a football match broke out. They may as well not have bothered putting a ball on the field. One of my favourite quotes comes from this game when David Coleman introduced it as "the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football, possibly in the history of the game."

Mentioning the Word Cup has reminded me to hang my St George’s flag out of the windows at home, although I’m unsure if it will upset my Muslim neighbours … therefore just to be sure, I’ve written “Allah is a Cunt” across the middle :-)

I loved Kermrogant’s penalty miss for Incester on Wednesday night. I can’t imagine that he was too popular back in the dressing room after players have fought so hard through the season for 48 games and miss out on a Wembley trip and possible Premier League status for such an embarrassing effort. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer club.

I was pleased they got beat not only because it was them, but also for DJ Campbell. I wanted Blackpool to get promoted regardless of who they were to play, but after scoring a hat-trick against Forest to get them there, he would have been ineligible to play in the final if Incester had reached it too, due to the fact that he is still officially their player and only on loan to Blackpool. I hadn’t watched the play-off game and only saw the penalties because I was watching the Fulham final and was too busy laughing at Lilly Allen balling her eyes out and looking a proper cunt!

That was before I turned over and watched Gavin and Stacey – am I the only cunt on the planet who has never seen this before? I usually form my own opinions, but for some reason I’ve seen this slagged off on forums and had decided that despite having never watched an episode, it was crap! I’ve seen the last two weeks now (and apparently they were repeats of the last two ever). I thought they were excellent and I want to watch from the beginning. I settled into it after channel hopping in an attempt to at least find something watchable. God they put some shite on, hundreds of channels and crap on all of them. Autistic driving school caught my attention – as if fucking Maureen wasn’t bad enough. I thought it might have a few mongy moments and appeal to a sick man like me but could only manage to endure a couple of minutes, it was dull as fuck (not like the Tourettes stuff or the proper window licking material). Who on earth commissions this shit that we have to pay for? Stick a re-run of Porridge on if you’ve no budget but ffs but stop making this crap.

Have a good weekend
Rob

2010-05-12T11:21:00.000+01:00

It's Dave! (oh and Nick too)

I’m still waiting for my ankle injections and haven’t even got a date through yet – typical Tories and these fucking ridiculous waiting lists! :-)

I guess all those Liberal voters must be thrilled at the prospect of a Conservative government they helped lol – serves the fuckers right! It has probably strengthened Labour’s future voting position from the left.

Now Dave, time to ignore the lefty cunts, shut up the borders, stop the scroungers, cut crime and tell young Nicholas that if he doesn’t like it he can fuck off! How can someone perform as badly as Cleggo has done and be rewarded for it? Deputy PM is a fucking joke and the worrying this is that if anything happens to Cameron then that cunt is in charge – god help us all! He might get his AV out of this, but I think he will find that he is disappointed what rewards he reaps from it and long term may not be all that he hopes it would be.

I saw Brown’s speeches outside number 10 and at Labour HQ on Sky yesterday (I was on the sick lol) and whatever you think of him as a PM/Chancellor/politician he is someone who cares passionately for what he believes in and in trying to do the right thing. Probably like most of you reading (if anyone is) I think he failed miserably, but as a human being I think he’s been dignified throughout in the face of adversity and wish him well.

Ok, providing this ‘stable’ new government lasts (until silly Nick gets upset and throws his toys out of the pram) I’ll try and get this blog back to gambling and cunt calling.

Rob

2010-05-11T00:38:00.002+01:00

Think About England & Pure Poetry

I've spent ages trawling through loads of bad England songs for the world cup this year. Quite a few shockers and you probably won't like these either as they're quite 'cheesy' but are my favourite two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3LKojLpYK0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g19PuXtqOWg&feature=related

Let me know if you find any decent ones

Rob

2010-05-10T17:48:00.003+01:00

Sky!!!!

Emotive unthought post to follow :-)

Fuck off Sky and fuck off Adam Boulton! After what I've just witnessed on Sky News, I am totally shocked at the way Boulton was so aggressive to Alistair Campbell - he has to be sacked, but I bet that he won't be.

I know Murdoch owns them, but they are still supoposed to be relatively impartial. Kay Burley has been fucking annoying too. However, Boulton is a fat cunt (pot, kettle) and a disgrace. If you've not seen it, then I guess it's probably already on you tube.

I've never been a Labour voter in my life and yet I'm now hopeful they push through this mish-mash temporary government, if only because of the arrogance of the Tory position. They got the highest vote % and they got the most number of seats, but it wasn't enough and still only 36% - which 64% of the electorate didn't want them, despite the recession, how bad Brown was and despite the media campaign and less funding. The Tories have no divine right despite what some might think. If we are to have a Tory government in the interim then have the balls to do it on your own in a minority government and we'll go again in a few months.

Oh btw Brown resigned lol

Rob

2010-05-10T16:38:00.003+01:00

I got a feeling …

… ‘that tonight’s gonna be a good night’ is a Black Eyed Peas tune that came on the radio at the weekend. Amelia obviously has about as much rhythm as me and looks like she will follow me for a less than magnificent ability to spot a tune. As the first lyric came “I got a feeling” she followed up with “I’m dancing on the ceiling” (Lionel Ritchie – which says more about my music collection) and went on to say “that’s not right”. Perhaps I should offer praise that at two, she can remember the words at all. Sorry darling, you’re not going to be rich from singing – daddy’s fault!

Daddy is also not going to be rich (ever!) since he can’t pick his own fucking nose. Well he can and quite well actually, but not when the analogy is applied to football betting. Useless fucking Yids! Four correct selections on Saturday and sweating on Spurs away at Burnley on Sunday should have been a breeze. 2-0 up and comfortable, god knows what price they were trading at, but 1/3 pre kick-off I imagine something like 1.05 (although unlikely that I would have traded out even if I could). It was at that point I mentioned Liverpool’s dismal away form of 3 wins in 16 (Everton which is a derby game, a last minute at Villa that I was at and was undeserved and Burnley) “Everyone wins at Burnley now” I commented (they started off well at home but have since been pants).

I should have known that I would jinx it. Previous examples include when I put a tenner on Micky Quinn to be the Premier League leading scorer at 50/1 after his opening day hat-trick against Arsenal – he barely scored again. I did it with Drinkell when an overhead goal made it about five in the first four games for Coventry. I remember saying to my dad “that’s what we’ve been lacking – someone who can score 25 goals a season” he finished with one more for the rest of the campaign. At Barnsley I said to my mate when 1-0 up “these couldn’t score if they played all ni…” before I got the word ‘night’ out it was 1-1. Countless other examples including players who if they only knew, would pay me not to include them in my Dreamteam as they will suffer long-term injury – I am cursed! Which reminds me, somebody once mentioned that cursing was the sign of someone with a poor vocabulary. I told the cunt to “Fuck off”

Did you see the Sun's front page story on Saturday? It was very funny. “Squatter, 59, holed up in number 10” A man aged 59 was squatting in a luxury home near the Houses of Parliament last night. The squatter, named as a Mr Gordon Brown from Scotland, was refusing to budge from the Georgian townhouse in Downing Street, central London - denying entry to its rightful tenant.

I loved that, although I can’t help that having spent the past number of years slating Brown for being a useless cunt, I am currently feeling some sympathy for him. He was pelted from all angles of the media throughout the campaign and even much from within his own party. It’s right that if he can’t form the required coalition he should go, but undoubtedly the stance he is currently taking, is the one that anyone would do and he is vilified for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I will probably be glad to see the back of him although how the Lib-Con is going to work when they are historically so poles apart, I have no idea. Maybe ‘New Labour’ is the middle ground they will end up finding! :-) I also can’t imagine that either party will like it. I can’t see the 1822 committee embracing the idea of PR even on a single transferable vote system, because they will want to protect their future position. Equally this is the one chance Clegg and his cronies have had for a full referendum on what was always their jewel in the crown and appear to be passing it up – I guess after all that Steel, Ashdown , Kennedy and followers fought for, then old party supporters won’t be overwhelmed with any compromise there too. Interesting times ahead perhaps, although they will likely all morph into more wishy-washy middle of the road stuff without any significant progress.

Ok probably the last chance I’ll get to use this one before they oust him:
I met a girl in a club last night and told her I was like Parliament. "What?" she asked, "Hung?" I said, "No. I have a fat cock with one eye"

Rob

2010-05-07T14:33:00.001+01:00

Football acca is back!

It’s completely the wrong time of season to be backing heavily as the form-book often goes out of the window around now, but as I don’t have mega money to invest, a cheeky punt on a few fancies may see us all through the weekend. I’m avoiding ManUre and Chelski because 1/9 represents little value although I expect neither to slip up at home. Similarly the Arse should win but again are 1/6.

Tottenham (away at Burnley) – foot should still be on the gas despite having CL place wrapped up, just in case the Arse don’t win.
Leeds (home versus Bristol Rovers) – BR have little to play for and an expectant home crowd I think will help drag dirty Leeds to crawl over the line
Southampton (home to Southend) – playing for nothing but pride, but been on a teriffic run and will want to sign off with a home win and set a marker to demonstrate next season’s intentions
Tranmere (away at Stockport) – Stockport by far the weakest team in this league and already relegated. Tranmere need a win to stay up and I think they’ll get it.
Dagenham & Redbridge (away at Darlington) – clinging onto that last play-off berth but any of four teams can catch them and they need a win. Darlington have improved recently under new management, but bottom of the football league and rightly so.

Blue Sq and 888 are best paying 6.91, Billies unsurprisingly the worst at 5.5 and undoubtedly I’ll be lucky to get 4/1 on my high street acca.

Good luck
Rob

2010-05-07T12:16:00.003+01:00

Proper fucked!

My bet may have won, but the already fucked up country is now officially in shit-street and I guess you should be careful what you wish for. I think the only hung parliament most of the country wants to see are those three blind monkeys with a noose around their necks outside Westminster.

I’m absolutely knackered today. I stayed up and watched loads of that shit with all parties attempting to demonstrate why it had been a great night for them and a bad night for everyone else. “We had so much ground to make up” or alternatively “even after all that’s happened the electorate still doesn’t trust them for an overall majority”. We’re capable of drawing our own conclusions thanks, now come out and say if it was a bad night for you, but then what do we expect since you have no fucking idea how to be honest even if it’s staring you square in the face.

The Warwick and Leamington result is still not yet in. The result is expected to be due around 1pm. This has been traditionally a safe Tory seat, but after Plascunt got in, they shifted the boundaries in an attempt to sure up his marginal victory from 2005, so it’s anticipated to be one of the more interesting results.

Who the fuck does Clegg think he is? The self-proclaimed ‘kingmaker’ seems to think his paltry, embarrassing seat-count entitles him to enormous power as he tries dangling a carrot based on election reform. How about you stfu plastic cunt and refuse to work with either of your supposed foes? If you honestly believed in that shit you fed us, then use the opportunity to vote with whoever shares your views on a particular issue rather than simply getting into bed with one of the wankers you’ve been campaigning against throughout? All it does is frank the view that you are all corrupt arseholes, from the same mould, with no dignity (not that your proposals had any substance) out to meet your own ends rather than represent.

As for the other two cunts instead of arguing which one of them should have the keys to number 10, in contrast to what I've suggested Clegg does, they need to prove that they genuinely care about the country by declaring a second election immediately. Propose to work together and try to steer the country in the interim. If they genuinely cared about Britain and not their own smugcunt faces then they would have already called it, but we all know that neither of them has any intention of doing this since its admitting defeat and their fragile egos couldn’t handle it. Fuck off, fuck off and die.

Rob

2010-05-07T00:06:00.003+01:00

As it happens ...

I was gonna call this 'Jase you cunt' since he's the luckiest fucker around and my bet on a hung parliament was with him, but now I'm not so sure so will await the official result. The overall majority to Consevative V No overall majority has already flip-flopped three times. Come on one time please, just let me beat the Jermanator!

Exit polls look close but more likely approx 310 seats seems to be the average and so far just 3 seats in as I write - all Labour holds in Sunderland, but expected. At least it loks like the Liberal cunts have completely fucked up.

It looks like some areas of electioneering have been proper fucked. Some ran out of papers and other regions have been uncertain on the rules with regards to closing times -some even turning people away. A complete farce run by useless cunts. Although they have had all day and if the voting booths had been open for a month some cunts would still be fucking late!

Until the real results start coming in, I have been watching the alternative election night on Channel 4. A couple of outstanding quotes, one that said about some footage of kids at school "looked like they would rather have a grinning priest with a tub of vaseline than Gordon Brown" and the one that really had me in hysterics when talking about physicist Brian Cox, Jimmy Carr referred to him as a "Walkin, Talkin, Stephen Hawkin" - quality!

As the actress said to the bishop "Please be well hung tonight"

Rob

2010-05-06T16:53:00.001+01:00

E-Day

I would have named it D-Day although traditionally that‘s 6/6 and today is only 6/5, but as far as the country is concerned ‘E(lection)-Day’ has finally arrived. Hopefully my longstanding bet on a hung parliament gets weighed in and I imagine we’ll all be doing this again in 6-12 months time.

I was true to my word and arrived at the polling station prepared to spoil my paper. I had decided on writing an old gag instead. Completely non-political and I’ll repeat at the bottom of this, just the one that happened to be in my head at the time. I was going to offer the supporters outside the polling station 30 seconds to convince me to put an X in their box (oo-er-missus), but couldn’t be arsed. In the end I did neither and voted UKIP. Tbh I think they’re a bunch of cunts too, but in its own way is a small protest at the main parties. They have zero chance of being elected here regardless, but I’ve ‘done my bit’.

It kicked off in the office this morning when I was thrilled to be described as ‘bigot’. It’s currently a popular buzz word and for once I hadn’t even considered that the view I was expressing might be bigoted for once. I know I am one in many ways, but this label wasn’t necessary.

It started when people were discussing if and who they were likely to vote for. One of them caught my attention when she said, “I’m gonna vote for wots-is-face. Y’know the new one” It turns out this was Clegg but she didn’t even know his fucking name. I decided to humour her and asked “is that because you share the party views on Trident?” I could see that blank, glazed look that suggested maybe I had more chance if I spoke Chinese. What probably should have been a mumble may have been a little harsh, but no more than that, when I suggested that people should take a test at the polling station. Nothing too difficult just 10 very basic political based questions before allowing people to vote. It was at this point I was branded a ‘bigot’. It was meant a little tongue-in-cheek, but the more I think about it, the more I believe in it. At the very least it might encourage some people to read even the smallest part about who they are possibly empowering to represent them.

Ok the gag; Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One says to the other "You should have seen this woman they brought in earlier. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Her clit was just like a pickle." “Green?" questions the second "No" says the first "a bit sour"

Rob

2010-05-05T16:03:00.004+01:00

100 not out!

I'll shamelessly share with you what a mate of mine has just emailed me. This diamond extract is from the Betfair football forum:

A mate, on 99 birds shagged, takes back a girl he'd been for drinks with. We (his housemates) all hide behind furniture in the living room when he came back. He starts his foreplay and asks her if she'd mind if he wore cricket gloves whilst they had sex, since it was a bit of a fetish thing for him. She looked confused but said fine, he goes into bag and puts them on. Then asks if he can wear pads, then finally a helmet. Fully padded up, proceeds to enter her and after about 3 minutes (LAD) comes, flicks on the main light switch. We all pop up from behind the sofa with rousing applause and cries of "THATS THE CENTURY!!", he grabs his cricket bat, removes his helmet and acknowledges the crowd. She bursts into tears, dresses quickly and runs out of the front door. She left her pants. LAD

Still crying here - quality! I wonder if he'll stand on one leg when he gets to 111 like Shep? In fact there is much more fun to be had as he reaches 147, 180 ...

Before I go, I've just heard some breaking news that the Croation FA has rescinded the yellow card awarded to the dead man.

Rob

2010-05-05T14:18:00.002+01:00

Get up you cheat!

A Croatian footballer booked for diving had actually dropped dead of a heart attack.
Goran Tunjic, a 32-year-old defender playing for the Mladost FC, collapsed in the 35th minute of the County League match against Hrvatski Sokola, prompting the referee to approach the player with yellow card in his hand.
Tragically, however, the player had suffered a fatal heart attack.
The official quickly realised what had happened and called for medical aid, but Tunjic died despite being rushed to a nearby hospital.
"Doctors tried to help him but there was nothing they could do," a club spokesman said of the player, who had no previous medical problems.
"He just fell dead on the spot."

I think this kind of skulduggery needs stamping out of the game!
Rob

2010-05-05T10:28:00.002+01:00

Spoilt paper?

I often wonder what kind of cunt phones up a tv poll and selects the ‘don’t know’ option. An example is a direct choice and results are displayed as 98% between yes/no and 2% ‘don’t know’. It has to be a misdial surely? I can’t imagine a conversation between two adults along the lines of “What’s your opinion on this darling?”, “Well to be honest, I’m not too sure”, “Not too sure? I hope that you’re going to phone up and express that uncertainty”.

For tomorrow I’m still undecided on which way if at all to cast a vote, so I may yet join the ‘don’t know’ contingent. My intention is to actually make it to the polling station in case I have a last minute change of heart, but more likely will just spoil my ballot paper.

I was involved in the counting of the ballots, three elections ago. I can’t remember exactly how much I got for my time, but it was a nominal fee of something like £50 or £100. The candidates and their representatives sit the other side scrutinising which pile you put each paper into and are entitled to dispute some of them. It’s one of the most mind numbing tasks imaginable, so the odd spoilt paper might brighten things up a little. Thoughts I’ve so far discounted are to see how many times I can write cunt, wiping my arse on it or filling it with bogeys. Suggestions welcome.

The manager merry-go-round is already in full swing at the Ricoh with the usual suspects connected toany vacancy being listed as potential suitors for the position. People like Ince, Brown, McAllister, Jewell, Burley, Megson etc … I wouldn’t be particularly encouraged by any of those and all the others who have failed everywhere else. Nor would I like yet another untried ex-player which seems to be a popular route. Although they are fresh and carry less baggage, it requires more than that for a club like Coventry which is a difficult to place to manage. Over the years some people with decent pedigree have not been able to steady the ship, but usually those on the way down and perhaps the hunger or desire is lacking.

Personally I would prefer someone in the mould of Sean O’Driscoll from Doncaster (if he would come) who knows the league, works on a small budget and has them playing attractive football. Failing him, then maybe someone like Eddie Howe who has done a fantastic job and knows the lower leagues since that is where we are likely to be shopping. I read the message boards and forums and it seems that some are finally coming round to the idea of this kind of manager as opposed to a big ‘name’, hopefully this means that they’ve finally accepted that we are not a Premiership club and must cut our cloth accordingly. Entertainment would be progress. Being emotionally attached will hopefully keep me away from the betting market since we all know how successful I am on those and we would probably end up with my biggest red on some cunt like Souness!

Massive game in the Premiership tonight of Man City v Spurs in the fourth place decider. Not a betting opportunity I don’t think as draw looks most likely to me and all results seem possible. All I would tip is overs on bookings. I can see this exploding, especially if things are going tits up for City as that cunt Bellamy will be bound to get sent off and if they’re going well, he will be winding up everyone else to see red. 9 points needed so YYR or 5Y yields a win and looks a certainty to me. Good luck.

Rob

2010-05-04T16:51:00.001+01:00

Pick it up you scumbag!

We were out shopping on Saturday and left little time for food, so yours truly suggested another trip to MacDonalds (I do work hard to stay in such tremendous shape). My first and long-standing gripe is how difficult is it to get me a plain cheeseburger? Apparently that takes an extra couple of minutes to put ‘less’ on and I must park-up as opposed to receiving at the drive-thru counter.

No significant problem although slightly irritating that I can’t get it instantly, but when they still manage to fuck it up and I’m required to go in and complain, thus defeating the object of the drive-thru, I get shall we say a little annoyed at these shitcunt stains on society. Previously I have complained that the rest of the order in my car is going cold and they’ve given a complete replacement order. Can be quite a tactic if you purposely fail to say the word ‘plain’, then go in and moan to get some freebies … although I wouldn’t advocate such dishonesty :-)

Anyhow, that’s just a preamble. My gripe on Saturday was at two cunts sat eating their ‘meal’ parked in the next bay. They were probably only 19 or 20ish and in their chavved up car which was only lacking go faster stripes. Usual scenario of windows wound down and stereo on a volume that could be heard for some distance (my god I must sound like Victor Meldrew). I watched them throw out the wrappers, the bag, drinks the whole lot that they didn’t eat just carelessly tossed onto the floor. As each article came out of the window I grew more irate.

It was my intention not to confront or say anything, but collect all the rubbish and shove it back through his open window, then calmly get back into my own vehicle but Caroline rightly reminded me not to get involved and remember that Amelia was with us. I had to make do with giving them a disapproving stare, but I was furious. I know its double standards when I’m such a cunt in many ways and I wouldn’t have minded so much if they were pissed as I’ve done much worse. I’m not particularly green or indeed very eco aware, but it was the fact that it was so completely disrespectful and unnecessary when they were two yards from a bin and should have known better. They found it hilarious when one of the employees gathered it up. I think if I was employed to do that job, then I would follow the cunts home and empty a full bin over their back garden.

Saturday night we went to a family party, which was ok actually with plenty of food and drink. Unfortunately the outlaw was there and was a pain in the arse leading upto the night. Again we needed to make arrangements so that she was prevented from spoiling things as is so often the case. I heard once that the ideal weight for a mother-in-law is approximately 3lb including the urn and I couldn’t agree more.

As often happens in get-togethers, people reminisce about things others have done and I generally seem to take the brunt of these. Most probably this is because I’ve done so many godforsaken stupid things in my time. One example that was recounted involved me pouring ordinary kitchen bleach over my head in attempt to lighten it and wondering why I subsequently had a headache.

The story that I hadn’t remembered in some time was one of the first operations on my ankle when it needed to be re-broken in hospital as the consultant said the plate had moved and it was set wrong. It was only when I was admitted that they advised me a bone-graft taking a ‘slither’ from my hip would be required. If I had known before, then I may not have gone through with it.

Well there I am sat on the bed the night before having completed my pre-op assessment and had an arrow drawn down both sides of my ankle where they were to make an incision. I was instructed not to cross my legs in case the ink transferred to my other leg and they operated on the wrong one (you can imagine what confidence that filled me with). They also added an arrow on my hip and then came the question that broke the camels back “would you like a suppository as a pain killer?” It was at this point I exploded with the tirade of “I came in here with a bad ankle, but perfectly able to walk. I’m here because you fucked up my initial operation. You are cutting me twice on the leg and slicing open my hip and you ask me if I now want you to shove something up my arsehole? Is this some kind of fucking joke?” Family at bedside thought it was incredibly humorous as the red mist descended. In hindsight with the encountered problems since, I wish that I had walked out there and then.

We stayed over at my parents and Sunday went to the match with my dad before a fairly chilled day not doing much on Monday, just more of the same and a trip to the park with Amelia. A waste of a bank holiday really, but beats working. I did catch the last session of the snooker but completely forgot about the 20/20 match where having read a report it looks like England were well and truly fucked over by the Duckworth-Lewis. You can’t possibly use that in a 20/20 game and expect a fair result. Let’s hope for no more rain in the second match or at least win the toss and bat second!

Finally, its 25 years today since the Bradford Fire disaster. I remember posting on the Betfair forum about it on the last anniversary that it was hard to believe that it’s been this long. I won’t post the link as I remember Doobs (BCFC fan) saying that the families preferred it if links weren’t posted around the internet, so all I’ll say is if you haven’t seen it then search on you tube because it’s quite horrendous and you can’t really visualise or even believe just how quickly it all takes hold without seeing the footage. As part of the football family, I think we should all remember for the 56 that died (many young and old) and their families.

Rob

2010-05-04T11:42:00.001+01:00

Coleman sacked (and about fucking time!)

Thanks a fucking lot Mr Ranson! Don’t get me wrong I Wanted Coleman sacked but your timing couldn’t have been worse! I’ve just spent about the last 40 minutes writing, slagging the cunt off and explaining how the humiliating, gutless 4-0 reversal at home to Watford made his position completely untenable and what a cunt he was for not even giving Marcus a 10 minute farewell and then received a text to advise me that he’s gone.

The only other point of note from that ramble about Sunday’s debacle, was that it was great to See Mark Halsey back refereeing after all his problems (or at least until he awarded the penalty lol). I’ve seen some interviews with him and he seems like a really decent guy and a genuine football person. It’s also easy to kid yourself that someone is better than they were when you feel some sympathy, but I always genuinely believed that he was one of the better referees.

Ok I’ll give you a joke instead and do a full update of other stuff later:
I was in a club the other night when I saw this fat fucking bitch standing on her own. I went to the bar, bought two beers, walked over to her and handed her one, saying “Happy birthday”She looked at me funny and said, "It's not my birthday"I looked her up and down and whispered in her ear "Then stop eating cake, you fat cunt."

Rob

2010-04-30T16:29:00.002+01:00

WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?????

OMFG I HOPE THIS ISN'T TRUE! Even by my sick standards this is just wrong on more levels than I can possibly imagine. It's your gran ffss YOUR gran ... what is wrong with you? These can't possibly be allowed to raise a child. Lock em up ffs. I know you might like being pissed on mate but she isn't even aware that she's doing it:

A grandmother has shocked her friends and family after revealing she is having a baby with her own grandson.

The incestuous couple are 46 years apart
Pearl Carter, 72, says she has never been happier after beginning an incestuous relationship with her 26-year-old grandchild Phil Bailey.
The pensioner, from Indiana, US, is using her pension to pay a surrogate mother so they can have a child, reports New Zealand's New Idea magazine.
She said: "I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion. I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me.
"Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad."
Her lover is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey - who she put up for adoption when she was 18-years-old.
When his mother passed away, Phil tracked down his long lost grandmother and they quickly fell in love.
Pearl told New Idea magazine: "From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship.
"For the first time in years I felt sexually alive."
It was during their second week together, after dinner and wine, that Pearl made her move.
Yes, we get laughed at and bullied when we go out and kiss in public but we don't care. You can't help who you fall for.Grandson Phil Bailey
"I called Phil into my bedroom, sat him on the bed, and then I leant over and kissed him," she added.
"I expected rejection but instead he kissed me back."
Phil revealed: "I wanted to kiss her there and then. My feelings were overwhelming.
"I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.
"Yes, we get laughed at and bullied when we go out and kiss in public but we don't care. You can't help who you fall for."
The pair paid $54,000 (£35,000) to find a surrogate mother and buy a donor egg to inseminate with Phil's sperm.
They placed an advert asking for an open-minded surrogate, and Roxanne Campbell applied.
"Initially I was shocked," says Roxanne, 30. "But they're a brilliant pair and I saw how much they loved each other. I know the baby will be loved too."
Pearl said: "I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil's going to be a great dad.
"I never in a million years thought at 72 I'd be 'pregnant' and in love with my grandson.
"I make no apologies and I believe God's given me a second chance."

2010-04-30T12:08:00.000+01:00

It’s only a fucking pizza

You read my order back twice, how the fuck can you still get it wrong you useless cunt? We ordered a delivery last night and the excuse that I was less than satisfied with as to why it took in excess of an hour to deliver was ‘new ovens’. I guess they turned up and installed them directly after I placed my order at 8pm when I was advised that it would be approx 30 minutes. I can’t imagine I was the first customer of the night – utter fucktard. I can’t abuse him too much as I don’t want him wanking all over my next order, but when it arrives … wrong fucking pizza! I phone back and demand that a replacement is sent immediately. It arrives in record time and they don’t want the other one back, so it’s fridged and will be today’s lunch – result!

This Sunday is the final game of what seems a long season watching Coventry. They flirted with the play-offs for about a week and with so little to cheer for so long I was temporarily excited. That soon passed and more of the dross with zero entertainment factor followed. Even during the purple patch they were lucky 1-0 victories and uninspiring performances. The board wonder why the place is empty all the time and they serve up utter rubbish. Coventry have no divine right to promotion or success, but as a paying fan I expect at the very least to be entertained. I don’t mind an occasional 4-3 reversal, but let’s have a fucking go not try and score then defend it for 80 minutes when we don’t have a team capable of playing that way.

Coleman again showed how out of touch he is with his selection for the coming meaningless finale against Watford. Marcus Hall, never a world beater but a local lad and always a 100%’er, plays his final game … or at least he would but is bench warming as he has been instructed ‘no room for sentiment’ and we want to play our strongest eleven. This ‘strong’ side from a small squad has not won for ten games! Don’t just play him, give him the fucking armband you cunt and let one or two of the young home-grown players who have been on the bench, have a start – they can’t be any worse and will gain valuable experience.

We must cut our cloth accordingly and the chairman does like his ‘yes man’ so I guess it will be a similar story next year. In his three years to date we have compiled total points of 53, 54 and an expectant draw on Sunday will be 55 this season. I can’t wait for the 2044/45 season when it will be 90 points and promotion. I’d prefer Jose at the Ricoh but I think he may be slightly out of our reach. His antics at the Camp Nou on Wednesday were legendary. I know he’s an arrogant cunt and I don’t believe all the hype about being ‘special’ or a tactical genius, but I do like the way he conducts himself. Mind games, wind-ups, siege mentality and complete show off, but undoubtedly a character and will enhance the Premiership if he returns next season.

I’m pleased that I swerved the ‘Eye on the storm’ greyhound tip (post a few weeks back if you missed it) this world beating pup was disqualified in round one of the derby at Wimbledon last night. I’ve only just seen the results, so I don’t know what happened yet, but he did go off an 8/11 favourite. I took great delight in making the resident numpty aware.

Ok to finish … a vampire walks into a bar and orders some boiling water. The barman says “I thought you lot only drank blood?” at which point the vampire pulls a tampon from his pocked and replies “we do – I’m making a brew”

Rob

2010-04-30T11:27:00.001+01:00

Last pre-election rant

My expectations were somewhat dampened for the final leaders debate, so I wasn’t overly disappointed or surprised that it was more of the same. At least Clegg and Cameron were correctly advised to avoid continually quoting ‘bigot’ to score cheap points as playground jibes appear to be viewed with disdain.

In my view the original comment should never have been aired and was nothing more than a Murdoch Sky-Sun stitch up, not following the predetermined rules. However, I was annoyed that Brown was forced to apologise to the woman in an attempt to spin this in a less negative way. He has previously been portrayed as about substance and not PR – can’t have it both ways. If that’s his view then he should be entitled to it and whilst the entire population apart from me seems to think he is the devils child for expressing it, for the first time I actually warmed to him. What he should be chastised for is the way he has run the country and not for merely name-calling a brain-dead retard a ‘bigoted woman’. I thank god that she wasn’t from an ethnic background because the tabloids would have dined off that for all eternity.

Something I did enjoy from the debate was Clegg’s retort to Cameron “Let’s just save time and assume that every time you mention our policies you are wrong” to be fair it’s genius. What wasn’t genius and was completely cringe-worthy was how often he again referred to “my constituency in Sheffield” which seems to be his favourite theme. An attempt to appeal to the gullible masses by demonstrating that this wealthy public school boy and banker’s son is a ‘man of the people’ from a working class town – so very plastic and insincere.

Again I was more than a little infuriated at the level of question asked. Hand selected sound-bytes in an attempt to engage the watching public. An example; I can imagine viewers in their armchair nodding in agreement, whilst some imbecile poses the motion that it is ‘wrong for bankers to be earning huge bonuses when the country is in recession, the banks are nationalised and unemployment is high’. All of the leaders agree how abhorrent this is and how they will attempt to change. What I wanted to hear at least one of them say was that despite tightening the rules, we want bankers to earn big bonuses to reward success. Obscene payments for the best guys should be encouraged but saying that doesn’t win votes from the educationally challenged.

I was pleased that the SNP were barred from participating (here comes the xenophobic bit). You can’t stand alone when it suits, picking and choosing which areas to be part of. If it went to a referendum in Scotland I’m convinced that it would be a landslide victory for full devolution and I reckon most in England and Wales would want it too. It’s not my intention to alienate anyone in Scotland reading and I would happily debate with you why it is a good thing.

To sum up it has left me feeling that we have two plastic faces and a simpleton, leaving me with a choice similar to being asked whether I would like to be burned, drowned or suffocated.

Rob

2010-04-28T11:03:00.002+01:00

Get over it you miserable cunts!

It was only a fucking holiday, you can always book another one and to be perfectly honest nobody but you gives a flying fuck. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself you stupid cunts and either re-book or get on with your work. You’ve probably guessed by now that I have some colleagues who should be on leave but whose scheduled flights were cancelled due to the volcanic ash and who are working rather than relaxing on a beach somewhere. You’d think someone had died the way they’re prepared to whinge about it to anyone in earshot who is prepared to listen.

The weakest of weak puns it may be, but I can feel the anger and injustice grow on the depressing fucktards as I repeat ad infinitum “Enjoying your holiday?” each and every time that I walk past their desks. It’s been over a week now and I can see that it’s wearing a little thin on the recipients, testing their patience to the full, but with my schoolboy humour the merest whiff of a reaction prevents me from backing off just yet.

I mentioned in my last blog entry that I watch Eastenders these days. If you don’t, then you will have no idea what I’m on about now, but I spotted an inconsistency in their storyline. Although Syed is portrayed to be of Muslim faith, he definitely prefers to have a bit of Christian in him.

I’ve been a bit of a telly addict this week watching that ‘Five Daughters’ on consecutive nights about the Ipswich prostitute murders. It was surprisingly gripping for a dramatisation that was about events so recent and brought me back to a number of different emotions I remember feeling at the time. Without understanding their plight, the druggie, prossie connotations that their lives were somehow insignificant, was swept away by the back story that reminds you they were real people with real lives. For me, I make no apology that I also started thinking about the jokes that were being texted around at the time like “You can’t get quicker than an Ipswich ripper” but what I do feel some guilt about is my thoughts that I remember being disappointed when they finally caught Wright.

I vividly remember that I was tuned into Sky news at the peak time of finding the bodies wondering if there were any more or how many it would end with. It was the same when they were digging Fred West’s garden and if I’m honest when 9-11 was happening and the London bombings. Despite being concerned and angry, I still had that same adrenalin rush of excitement. There is something that obviously triggers inside me to want the destruction to continue and I have no idea why. The devastation and anguish for those directly affected, barely crosses my mind until it’s all over and I reflect on what’s happened. I always viewed this as some kind of illness, but speaking to others who have had similar feelings, I’m clearly not alone … perhaps we’re all just sick fuckers!

To finish on a lighter note, I went to a party last night. The DJ played that song ‘Oh sit down’ by James and we all sat down. Then he played ‘Jump Around’ by KrisKross so we all jumped around. Then he played ‘Come on Eileen’ by Dexys and I got kicked out!

Rob

2010-04-27T16:18:00.004+01:00

Sorry ...

... it's not even that funny, but I had to post this:

I've just received an email from ebay : "Your thrumbs up means a lot. A double thumbs up. You rate, we reward"

Co-incidence or are they reading my Blog? :-)

Rob

2010-04-27T13:02:00.000+01:00

Thumbs up for Len Fairclough

Only readers of a certain age will have any idea who Len was and what that means. I caught a bit of Corrie tonight and heard reference of him for the first time in ages. As I sniggered to myself, I remembered him fondl(e)y.

At work I may refer to Reg Cox or ask if Mike is still fucking Derdrie when the women are discussing the Enders or Corrie, but I watch them more often than I care to admit these days despite having slagged them off for as long as I can remember. Tbh they're harmless and are easy watching. It's not overly important if you miss them for weeks or months and can always catch up. It’s more worrying how many people can't see the dividing line between soap and real life, appearing far too 'involved' and irate at the goings on. Ah well, thumbs up Len … “if I take em out you'll sink!”

This week it has become necessary to once again reveal my demise at home about what a useless fuck-up I am with money, so much so that it has jeopardized the likelihood of me playing the Nottingham leg of the UKIPT next month, but we’ll have to see and I might play a couple of cheap on-line qualifiers first (worth paying in on-line as opposed to direct too, as you get a free goody bag including hoodie etc when you arrive – lad who used to work for Betfair gave me the heads up on it last time).

I had yesterday afternoon on the sick and collected Amelia. Caroline reminded me to get her some dinner, so in a less than perfect example of responsible parenting I took her for her first ever Happy Meal at Ronald’s. She really wasn’t all that keen and I ‘forced’ myself to finish it for her. ;-) Not a great afternoon all round for her really as I took the car to be washed and she screamed uncontrollably as the brushes came round. As it was decent weather I did take her to the park too so not all bad, but I’m starting to think that I frequent these places far too often and as I have a profile not too dissimilar to that of Levi Belfield, I probably get mistaken for a nonce more than should be reasonable … I guess I should stop handing out all those sweeties :-)

Rob

2010-04-23T12:31:00.002+01:00

Another political based rant

Please skip this one if it bores you and return on Monday when I’ll be calling everyone a cunt again.

‘If you don’t vote, then you can’t have a voice’ is a tired saying I hear often and that view has just been expressed in the office. I say on here as I said to them “bollocks to that sentiment”. I don’t see it all. I'm not close to agreeing with everything any party stands for (and probably I take bits from all of them even the liberal cunts and their proportional representation idea) and if I don’t feel I can be represented by any of them I don’t want to cast a vote. I believe it’s in Australia that you must at least attend and I would have no problems with that, because you have an option to write none of the above or to spoil your ballot paper.

Despite what the media line may be, it is my opinion that the politicians couldn’t care if the turnout from the electorate was fewer than 10% providing they got their 40% tranche (or whatever is required) of that small number which empowers them to gain the seats to form a government.

I’m breaking a cardinal sin by sharing some of my political views on here as I have always maintained that along with religion, money and women it should be avoided when it comes to (mass :-) ) debate in the office, pub or with family … sorry! Football and gambling are the only sensible discussion points where heated debate should be encouraged, but I do feel I’m currently in a place where I’m more interested in politics and yet at the same time more disillusioned with politicians than ever before.

Fwiw my view on politicians is formed from the bigger issues nothing to do with the expenses ‘scandal’ of which I care not a jot. Of course they are corrupt and of course they were bending the rules, but who really cares? The investigation has cost substantially more and taken too much time away from what they should be doing in governing the country.

Imo they should have many perks because I want the best people doing the job. How can City employees be earning significantly more than politicians? I don't blame the City, but if that’s where the skills are, then those are the people we want involved in running our economy but with no incentive for them to do so. By scrutinising every penny they earn we are shutting the door on prospective outstanding candidates. I also don’t want to hear that they shouldn’t be doing it just for the money but because they want to serve the public because as we all know that too is complete bollocks. We are talking about money and not nursing.

Perhaps next time I should stand up and be counted so that I do have a voice. I could form the ‘Highstack thinks you’re all cunts and wankers’ party. Is anyone willing to pay the £5k deposit that is only returned if I receive required number of votes?

Rob

2010-04-23T11:30:00.002+01:00

Clegg is a cunt …

…but only marginally more so than Brown or Cameron

I couldn’t update today without mentioning the ridiculously stage managed, second leaders debate on Sky last night. Once again all their own followers have their man down as the winner from the debate. What an absolute fucking joke and 90 minutes of my life that I will never get back. I was interested last night to hear views on some of the more controversial areas of policy: defence, the EU, immigration. What a pointless, fruitless session it turned out, with nobody actually committing to anything, but Clegg showing himself to be a complete cunt on Trident and immigration. Clueless fucker and I am concerned about these polls now.

“I agree with Nick” was replaced by “I agree with Gordon” or “Where David and I agree”. Brown and Cameron had been coached to stare down the barrel of the camera and appear as if they were talking to the viewers and once again no real searching questions were asked. One question I was keen to hear was why the other two swapped positions and Brown remained in the same place. I can only assume that it’s because of his fucked up eye and he wouldn’t want the other two making wanker signs at him off camera.

Have a great weekend and happy St Georges Day (or happy Shakespeare’s birthday if you’re not English)

Rob

2010-04-22T15:52:00.002+01:00

Terrible 2’s

I have been trying to explain to Amelia that it’s not very lady-like to force farts, although I probably encourage the situation by smirking when she says “Millie got wind issues” … she’s two! A chip off the old block perhaps, but I do hope she grows out of it.

The ‘terrible twos’ as they call it are certainly evident. She constantly answers back, refuses to take notice of anything we ask and kicks off each time we stop doing something she likes, whether it be hiding or leaving the park etc. I’m sure anyone with kids will know exactly what I mean, as talking to friends it appears we are not alone. I swear if we spent eight hours a day at the park, she would still say “two more minutes” or “one go left” and there would be tears when we leave. Of course, it’s only a phase and like every other proud parent, she gets better each day and as her personality grows we enjoy her more and more. I wouldn’t change a thing about her ... however much she sometimes tests our patience.

I have nothing to benchmark her intelligence against, so I’m reluctant to do the standard parent thing of boasting how bright she is for her age … but I’m almost certain that she is and her memory is outstanding. Incidentally, have you ever heard any parent say “my kid is a useless, stupid, backwards, little fuckwit”? I guess we’re all somewhat biased, but a number of them must be moronic or there wouldn’t be so many fucking imbeciles walking around the planet as adults!

Before I finish I’ve just found this on the net:
Buck v. Bell, 274 U.S. 200 (1927), was the United States Supreme Court ruling that upheld a statute instituting compulsory sterilization of the unfit, including the mentally retarded, "for the protection and health of the state." It was largely seen as an endorsement of negative eugenics—the attempt to improve the human race by eliminating "defectives" from the gene pool.
How cool is that? I know it makes me sound like Hitler, but I’d like to extend it to inner city areas, criminals, people receiving benefit for more than one year and anyone who already has four or more children, unless they can prove that they can provide for more.

Rob

2010-04-21T10:20:00.003+01:00

Guy purchases pocket Taser for his wife

Last weekend I saw something that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing. I was disappointed.

I then learned that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than ¾” circumference; loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, “no way”. What happened next is almost beyond description.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh and pushed the button. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD … WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure someone ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?It seems there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point) I collected my wits, sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

2010-04-20T12:19:00.002+01:00

Swimming

I hope you’re sitting down when you read this, because since my last series of updates I’ve joined a gym!! Yeah, it still astonishes me too, but it is true. Ok, now you’ve got over the initial shock, I’ll explain a little more.

I had another op on my fucked-up ankle before Christmas and the result is that it’s worse than ever. I’m on waiting list to have some twice annually injections straight into the bone and on regular pain killers at the moment. In the meantime, I figured it won’t do any harm to make an effort to get off some of this excess weight and I have set a target to reach where my dad bungs me £250 as a bit of an incentive.

I wrote to the local health club, which is in an ideal location as I only live one mile from work and this is en-route. I assured them that the only facility I would use would be the pool, as much of the gym equipment I couldn’t use even if I felt compelled to do so. I also pleaded poverty and explained my predicament and injury history and that I would love to become a member but really couldn’t afford a full membership, even if I used the corporate discount that my company enjoys. I laid it on as thick as I could and much to the annoyance of my boss, at £30 per month, it represents 50% of what he is paying and suggested that I renegotiate the contract for next year.

I can be there within 10 minutes of waking up and as I go during their quieter period and do it before work, I’m in no later than usual and as I have a shower there after swimming, so I save even further on bath water.

The biggest problem is that I find it pretty dull. It’s not like going swimming with your mates where you’re diving and bombing and generally being an arse to everyone else in there splashing about and fucking around with a ball. In fact I don’t even piss in the pool which is a requirement if you go with the lads. I mentioned the other day about the work poo. By contrast the swimming poo is not in the same league. Attempting to swim whilst needing to go, is not something I’d recommend. It’s not like the council run ones where you might be tempted to let it go and swim away. Clenching whilst in motion is quite a talent and perhaps carrying that extra pound of weight will make all the difference.

To date, the down side is that I thought the weight would come off a little quicker. I’m aware that a combination of good diet and exercise is usually required, but I assumed that if my eating habits don’t change and I add in exercise where there was previously none, then it must have an impact. I could stick to a sensible diet plan for food, but as it usually involves limiting alcohol intake, then its pointless trying. I’m committed to membership for 12 months so I guess the proof will be if there is any significant improvement by then.

Rob

2010-04-19T11:51:00.000+01:00

Fuckbook and the Liberals

I don’t often go onto Fuckbook and to be honest, don’t even know why I ever joined – it’s nothing more than a place for nosey cunts. I still get emails through regularly for it when it advises that some retard who you’ve not spoken to for 20 years has requested to be your friend. Ffs I probably didn’t rate you that highly even when I was forced to share a class with you. We had little in common back then and probably even less now.

That said, I’m likely to accept you as a ‘friend’ as it costs nothing and seems to be the height of rudeness to refuse. Some people I barely remember, others have got married and look fuck all like they used to and have not even had the courtesy to include a maiden name. Often requests are accompanied with a phrase along the lines of “Hi Rob, remember me? Are you still gambling?” Fuck off, just fuck off.

The reason for this rant? Today I learned via email ‘James has become a supporter of the Liberal Democrats and suggests that you become one too’. Oh really? Well there’s a surprise. He was always strange at school and I noted in his profile that he has ‘come out’. Nothing wrong with that, even for a bigoted cunt like me, but hardly a surprise that he now wants those useless morons in charge, since unless you take one for the team or believe mass immigration to be the final piece of the jigsaw this once great nation needs, then a Liberal government would render you what I’d call proper fucked. I was tempted to delete him based on this.

If you think Brown and his merry men are a waste of fucking oxygen, just give those cunts a go and you’d be begging to have this bunch of wankers back within weeks. Of course we’ve seen a surge in popularity for Clegg since last weeks first television debate, since he was in a position where he can promise what the fuck he likes and see the other cunts arse-lick him. Underdogs notoriously gain in the polls after getting some profile. Even negative press about Nick Griffin caused a an inflated poll reading after that infamous question time.

If any of the general public (gawd bless ‘em) can be swayed on 90 minutes of staged debate without any remotely searching questions, then their vote should be taken away. In fact when I look at even some of the semi-educated people in my office that are unaware who the chancellor of the exchequer is (and I work in finance), you start to realise that the entire charade is a waste of fucking time and resource. I consider myself one of the few that should be eligible to vote and I doubt I’ll even fucking bother again.

Rob

2010-04-15T15:13:00.001+01:00

Greyhound Derby

My ears were alerted when one of the simpletons from the warehouse who I normally try to avoid, called out “Ere Rob, you like a bet … I’ve got a tip for you” Excellent, I think, please tell me more you waste of clueless fucking space. “It’s a dog we’ve been following called Eye On The Storm and it will win the Derby”. Well as the heats haven’t even started yet, I’m expecting a decent price. “Cheers” I say and get back to my desk to consult Oddschecker. What has he tipped me but the 6/1 Ante-post fucking favourite. Brilliant!! How in the world did he manage to arrive at that conclusion?

I’m not a big bettor of the dogs, despite them being heavily in my family history, but I have enough knowledge that someone giving me a tip for a dog the day AFTER it breaks its own track record at Hall Green, is hardly what you’d bank as inside information. Get out of my fucking air space and stop wasting my time and breathing my oxygen you utter gobshite cunt.

Of course the fact it doesn’t have any of my hard-earned weighing it down, means it probably will bolt in and you should all lump on to ensure that I look an even bigger cunt than normal for readily dismissing the ‘information’ on here. I wouldn’t back a dog at that price this early unless it could be proved that it was the first born direct descendent of Mick the Miller (you know the baldy cunt from the Comedians in the 70’s).

Rob

2010-04-14T14:33:00.002+01:00

The work poo

Is there anything more satisfying in this world, than not only enjoying that special moment of a hot steaming turd when you're desperate for one, but doing it at work in the knowledge that your boss is paying you to shit?

As many of you are aware, my contribution to the working force is minimal and I get paid for all kinds of things other than work, but the 'poo-pound' is a special one. I guess knocking one could come close, but I'd be too tired to make it through the remainder of the day.

Rob

2010-04-12T11:56:00.001+01:00

UKIPT

I ventured out for my first game of poker in months this weekend as the UKIPT came to the Ricoh (Coventry). The last time I played live was a £100 re-buy festival event, at the Broadway Birmingham last November, when I ended up losing a 2/1 heads up chip lead to Dave Colclough and collected £3.5k when it should really have been first for over £6k. Once again I’ve had a few self-inflicted financial problems since and that have prevented me getting back out there.

Friday I played the £500 main event on day 1b. With a 15k starting stack and 60 minute levels it was perfect and a chance of a decent tilt at the £46k first prize. For a relatively affordable buy in, it was quite a strong field consisting of a number of known names and faces from the live circuit and the on-line world at almost every table. Fortunately my table draw kept me away from one particular table that included a couple of reasonably well known internet pro’s in addition to Surinder Sunar, Paul Jackson and Marc Goodwin. There were of course bits of dead money around from some of the qualifiers, but most of the play was reasonably solid.

I went with the attitude that you can only lose it on day 1 and I nursed my starting stack through eight levels never getting below 12k or above 20k and then finally got moving on the last level of the day to finish with 46,800 representing an above average stack. It was like pulling teeth for most of the time and I was only all in one time the whole day despite seeing JJ once, TT once and a couple of AKs. Other than that I was living off scraps and felt pretty good about my play without doing much wrong at all for the entire day. 368 starters and 137 left for day 2.

My table redraw included Marc Goodwin and Jeff Burke who were bossing the table from the off. With the sharp increase in blinds and some short stacks around the play in the room, if not at our table was pretty fast and a number of players were quickly eliminated. I made my first and probably only big mis-step when I allowed MG to push me off early when he shoved on my flop bet (JT3) after I called his three bet pre with AK. I knew it was coming before he moved in and I think he could tell I wasn’t comfortable. I had about 1/3 of my stack committed and after passing was back at approx 32k.

I then found a couple of decent spots and when the play broke for the slightly delayed break (affording everyone the chance to watch the national) part way through level 12, there were only 75 left and I was comfortable playing just over 90k. With the pay going as far as £850 for 45th, I guess I could have easily limped through to the money but that wasn’t what I was playing for.

Not long after the break I found my best pocket of the weekend with two red queens and open raised to be flatted by the button and others passed. Flop was Jd, 7d, 4d and I led for 9.5k. When the button made it 22k I shoved and he snapped. Pot was just short of 200k and would have been close to the chip lead. He showed AdJc and of course the diamond hit the turn. He just had me covered and I was on my way home. Again feeling pretty dejected after losing a defining pot with only 500k required for average chips at the FT, I know that if I win that pot then running deep is well within my capabilities.

I don’t feel out-classed in decent company and with a similar buy in for Nottingham next month I’m more than a little tempted to venture out again – just please let me run average for once and give me a chance!

Rob

2009-10-15T01:09:00.003+01:00

Useless gambling fucktard strikes again

Apologies for lack of updates over te past couple of weeks, but I've had a few problems. Thankfully my saint of a wife has stood by me once more - far more than I deserve. It started when the silly fuckers at Halifax sent my new credit card card through. I've spent ages trying to repair my credit image and then when I finally do, I apply for a card and they give me a £5k credit limit. The whole fucking world knows I can't be trusted with that kind of money. Anyhow, to cut a long story shrt and you've probably already guessed ... I maxed it out :-(

I logged onto a new Paddy Power account to take advantage of a free £25 bet and couldn't stop myself playing roulette. I blew the whole lot and more (for some reason let me go to £6k before declining) in a very short time. I'm a complete fucktard I know and it's worse than any drug as its legal and readily available. I know I sound like a cunt, but I've worked really hard to avoid temptation for ages becasue I can't stop myself and then I fucking do something that fucking spastic wouldn't do.

I have a bit of stuff to put on here, but I have managed to sort our finances and will do a proper update in a couple of days when I have my head sorted.

Hope you're all well, good luck
Rob

2009-10-06T00:28:00.002+01:00

The nearly man once more

Usual beting shit and some more aftertiming to follow in 'how I nearly won'! Last week I put a Canadian on the Irish lottery as I have done for about the past six weeks or so. They always ask if you want the slip back as many play the same numbers. I usually do too, but this week I changed two of them ... guess what? Four numbers for my £13 stake would have returned over £4k if I had stuck ... I got £26.50 :-(

Tonight's game (Villa v Man City) I predicted either Barry or Dunne for first goal and a score of 1-1 or 2-1 either way. Six perms so I said to Caroline I was putting these on when returning from collecting our parents from the airport. Having driven straight past and not being arsed to turn around through traffic, I said fuck it as it probably won't come in ... a few hours later and Dunne 1-1 means I picked and didn't collect from a 100/1+ winning selection ... beyond fucking silly now - I really am destined to remain poor forever.

Watching that match I was surprised at the Villa crowds reaction to Barry. I know some genuinely will appreciate him but what kind of utter cunt boos constantly to a player who gave over ten years service, I think played 300-400 games many as captain and who I remember a mate of mine saying with last seasons speculation, that he was probably one contract away from becoming a legend rather than just one of their better players? It's bizarre when you think he performed well throughout his time there, was signed for nothing as an apprentice and moved on for a £12m fee ... I wish Coventry had a few of those. Don't get me wrong, plenty of idiots at the Ricoh too, but the only former players I would really like to give stick to are the mudering cunt Lee Hughes and Craig Bellend who deserves eerything he gets and more.

I've just finished watching a re-run of Derren Brown's predict the roulette wheel show from last week. Normally I like him but this last series has shown how much he was run out of ideas and they are so far fetched that they are no longer entertaining. A shame really because he's obviously very clever and good at what he does, albeit mainly to unsuspecting bimbos and attention seeking cunts.

That's pretty much it really after an uneventful few days. Had a couple of mates around for beer and pizza on Friday, a quiet weekend and then collected parents and in-laws from the airport today who thankfully are all still speaking to eachother.

Good luck
Rob

2009-10-02T15:54:00.002+01:00

Belated mug acca

Apologies, I've actually been busy for once ... although not too busy to fuck about here and meet my mate in the pub for lunch :-)

Anhow if you ant some value again, then Bolton at home to Spurs is far too generous at 7/2, so I'll swerve that one and tip up some more losers instead:

Man Utd
Sheff Utd
Newcastle
Southampton

Will be an acca on the four and also on six including ~Everton and Arsenal for Sunday.

The not so mighty Sky Blues have an early kick off against the inbreds from Incester at the other end of the M69. 12.30 kick off at the Ricoh and hopefully I'll manage to get my car out of the car park before one of the 'Baby Squad' LOOOOL (Danny Dyer probably thinks they're pwoppa nawty) manages to smash my windows!

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-30T00:38:00.002+01:00

Absolute fucking joke how sick I run

Guess what? Another cunting loser to add to the collection!

I had £100 on Ipswich at 6.2 and the plan was that I wanted to lay in running at odds on if I got the chance. I didn't even know that they don't open up the Championship games for i/r betting although they do for a ridiculous ten minutes at half time. Why the fuck they don't just leave them up like other markets goodness only knows as the HT action shows there is a demand for it. Fuckers! Anyhow, I could have taken 2.3 at HT and was on phone to mate who put me up £100 at Evs and then a reluctant 2.1 that never got matched, only greed for another £20 but I thought that was not value (however it would have saved me a headache and a bollocking at home). 3-1 up and 13 minutes to go and they go and finsih 3-3 (deflected header in injury time oh joy!).

It's the nature of the loss that annoyed and me not the bet as I always believed it was probably a loser pre kick-off. I still think it was terrific value at that price ... not that the Mrs saw it that way, when I explained that despite being us skint, I was putting £100 on a team that I expected to lose ... I do understand her point and I know I'm a cunt with betting but when I said that I would do it again because I thought 3/1 was a fair price it was red rag to a bull. They just think differently to us (a different breed :-) ) although at times it's probably as well they do to keep us on the straight and narrow and sometimes I reckon it's best not to try and explain as never the twain shall meet.

It was the only bet I had on the footie too and that was a saving grace as I fancied an Arsenal, Barcelona and Leeds treble at 2.5 that would have gone down courtesy of Leeds.

At least Cov won and showed some heart to come back from 2-1 down. At the time I didn't give a fuck but on reflection it was a good away win.

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-28T11:59:00.000+01:00

Ipswich at 6.2 ???

After yet another standard weekend of shit, with bets going down and Coventry failing to win (lucky to get a last minute draw) means it’s the usual early week update of me moaning again. Perhaps just as well that the new Credit Card didn’t arrive as I’d have managed to give it an early hammering.

There are some mid-week games this week that look tasty and I’m tempted with a decent single on Ipswich. Don’t get me wrong, they’re in disarray and have a cunt for a manager, but as one of the pre-season favourites for promotion and with some good players, then I don’t care how out of form they are, they should not be available at the quoted prices. The Championship is a league where on their day pretty much any team can beat another (I think currently there are about 14 teams separated by approx 5 points in the middle). Despite a poor start Ipswich are not that bad and having seen Sheffield United too, they’re not outstanding (Coventry beat them both!). SU have got home advantage, but Ipswich are available at over 5/1 and that price is simply wrong. Even if you think that they will lose then there is no way they should be that price and value should always be backed. I’m only a small/average punter, but has to be worth a ton in my book as there are very few games in that league (possibly Barnsley at St James) that should be quoted at those kind of odds. Don’t blame me if I’m wrong, hope you get on and we share some success.

Before I finish on football, I’m personally getting singled out and draped (it’s my new word for dreamteam rape) on my players scores. I’m actually doing ok mainly thanks to messes Rooney and Torres but each week I’m being victimised in the scoring. Fabregas keeps getting rated as a 6 (despite the scums sister paper NoTW rating him as a 7) and similar with Hart in goal. They took a goal off Turner a couple of weeks back and then this week made Keane the star player over Torres because he scored a penalty more. Torres hat-trick was far classier. I’ve got 390 points at the time of writing and second place in the works one with 60 odd people in so a few hopefully coming my way in May but if the cunts weren’t screwing me over I’m sure I would be leading. I’m being handicapped through my own fault too by selecting Walcott and he has yet to play this season. My team ‘Clingans on Ricoh’ is: Hart, Cahill, Ricketts, Turner, Bramble, Walcott, Fabregas, Gerrard, Owen, Torres and Rooney. Look out for me in May winning £100k :-)

I’ve dropped my parents and in-laws off at the airport this morning for a week away in Majorca. I’m fucking dreading it tbh. They have been away before but my M-in-law is a fucktard at the best of times (no 1970’s Les Dawson humour, she really is and I could dedicate a whole blog just to her) and I have a horrible feeling something will go tits up. If it does, then family parties back home could be a problem but we’ll worry about that if and when it happens.

Fucking robbing airport cunts even charge for a set-down now. I used to dump them outside departures and that was it, now they’ve changed it all around and I have to go into a car park and pay a quid for up to 15 minutes. I know it’s only a quid, but it’s a fucking cheek and as I had no idea and came out in shorts and tee shirt at that time of morning, I had no cash and it could have presented me with a problem. Fortunately my Dad was better prepared and knew about it and handed me a couple of coins. With the broken down charges from the budget airlines I bet the cunts would charge you for breathing oxygen if they thought it could be measured.

Anyhow at work and I guess I should probably do a bit, particularly as I was late in again. Good luck
Rob

2009-09-25T11:54:00.000+01:00

Mug acca - nearly forgot!

In all my excitement ranting on about the ‘bizzies’ I forgot to offer you this weeks tips. I know that it’s the only reason you read as I’m so successful and you will want to share in my wealth! :-)

Anyhow, it looks far too easy again this week (it always does on a Friday!) and all the short things look good things, so can we weed out the banana skins? I doubt it but I’ll try:

Main bet: Tottenham, WBA, Charlton, Huddersfield and Bournemouth. 13/2 available on-line or 5/1 in the shops.

For long list only, I’m also including: Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man Utd, Notts Co, Celtic, Rangers. The twelve-fold acca returns 70/1 online (probably 50s in the shops) so worth a small investment.

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-25T10:37:00.001+01:00

Police Cuntstubbles

The police (and I don’t mean Sting and his tree hugging cronies) seem to get more incompetent with each day that passes. Tbh I get the impression that it’s either intentional or they really are the most useless bunch of fucktards to walk the planet. I have my own reasons for disliking them (and I’m no criminal before you get that idea) in that I’ve dealt with them very little in my life and each time they’ve fucked me over.

I can’t be bothered to scan back over old posts and therefore I apologise if I’ve told you any of this before on here. I’ve called them once when some cunt was trying to break into the flat where we first lived after getting married. I went downstairs with the butt end of a snooker cue because I dint know if they were pissed or how many there were etc and I couldn’t see through a solid door. As I opened and raised my arm, the police suddenly appeared and shout for me to put it down or they’re having me. The guy trying to break in wasn’t even nicked and was sent on his way.

The next occasion I was involved with them was after a football end of season do when some local nutters turned up at the same venue and it all kicked off after hours. They smashed the place up, not right but fine it happens. They had a bit of a scrap too which happens every Saturday in every town in the country, but again no real problem. What I objected to was one guy laying on the floor whose head they stamped on and so hard that you could see the trainer print left on his face. I’m no grass but when someone is down that’s it as far as I’m concerned and you don’t do that.

The Police arrive and everyone suddenly goes all Arsene Wenger for fear of reprisals and won’t speak up. Bollocks that’s not right and I’d want someone to speak up for me so I gave forward their names. The following week I get wind that these wankers are looking for me and it was an uneasy time. The reason they were after me was that one of the coppers knew theses cunts and told them who gave their name.

I wasn’t fucking having that so I phoned up the local constabulary headquarters to make a formal complaint about the cunt and spoke to one of the big noises who pretty much called me a liar and said that one of their officers wouldn’t do that! Utter fucking cunts and they wonder why they get no respect. Don’t get me wrong I’m not envious of the inner city problems and gangs with guns etc, but that doesn’t affect where I live and I think it takes a special kind of cunt these days to want to join up. I now wouldn’t help if I saw six people kicking the shit out of one … but mainly because six is probably enough.

Add to that the fact that when I was pulled for speeding (I overtook an unmarked car and the car they were following but still only at 97mph) and I was read the riot act like a common criminal. It made the ‘In the courts’ section of the local rag where I was given 5 points and £365 fine. No problem I deserved that, but what riled me was the one above me in the paper, five counts of theft, one of assault and one of drugs possession - £125 fine and six months suspended. Below me was a cunt with no tax, insurance, MoT or licence and he only gets a £150 fine. Complete fucking joke.

Anyhow what prompted this row was seeing these bungling cunts on the news last night. I didn’t think they could surpass the stupidity of the Scottish police who were looking for a missing guy and found him 10 days later in the hedge at the bottom of his garden after spending thousands on overtime (http://news.scotsman.com/latestnews/Shock-at-police-failure-to.4674841.jp) … but they have. Yesterday they gave us this gem: “Pc David Micklethwaite, who had failed a gun training course, mistakenly loaded a powerful Magnum .44 revolver with a live round from an old Quality Street tin. The 52-year-old then pulled the trigger while pointing it at a civilian colleague during one of his classroom tutorials. He was fined £8,000. The bullet hit Keith Tilbury, 51, at Thames Valley constabulary headquarters in Kidlington, Oxfordshire, and caused devastating injuries, Mr Tilbury, who used to shoot for Britain, underwent five hours of life-saving surgery for an exploded bowel and kidney, as well as lung and liver damage.” Well played you fucktard!

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-24T16:04:00.000+01:00

Long winter slog ahead :-(

I’ve had some time off work (hence no updates for a few days) and sadly that’s all of my annual leave now gone until Christmas. Absolute fucking joke that I have to use holidays up when I want time off for hangovers etc. In the past I just phoned in sick but as we now don’t get paid, I either lose some leave or lose cash. I took it this week as apart from the last chances of some decent weather, it was Amelia’s second birthday on Sunday and although we’ve not been away this time we had some family time together which made a nice change.

Once again I’ve come back to a shitload of work that no cunt has looked at. It won’t take me too long to catch up but they’ve not even attempted to do the important stuff. Utter shitcunts.

You may have noticed last weekend that Cov lost and my bet went down yet again although I did kind of have a win. I managed to make the early kick off and Rangers drew 0-0. When this normally happens, I end up putting the bet on again for the rest of the games still to come, but Saturday I just thought bollocks to it. Perhaps as well I did as Notts Co failed and in my book a bet saved is as good as a win (I’m clinging onto any small victory at the moment) :-) Not had another bet either this week, but for no other reason than too fucking lazy to put them on and saved myself cash on both Tuesday (Scunthorpe) and Wednesday (Man City) too.

We only had a small party for Amelia with grandparents and a close friend, so we went to my bro’s down in High Wycombe on Sunday afternoon and had a bite to eat there. I probably see more of him since he moved 70 miles away than I did when he was up here. What I found unbelievable was the traffic when we were travelling home. 9.30pm on a Sunday night and if it wasn’t dark you could have thought it was midweek rush hour. Goodness only knows what all these cunts are doing as they can’t all be commuting ready for the week ahead (although southbound did look significantly heavier). It seems gone are the days when you could head out on a Sunday and have the roads pretty much to yourself.

Pretty much chilled out for the rest of the time at Hatton Country World on Monday (fuck all was open and I’d have been complaining if I had paid, but borrowed a mates pass) and then shopping for Amelia on Tuesday. Well I say Amelia, we started out over at Morrisons where it was 24 Carling for an Ayrton and obviously too good to miss, but ended up spending a fortune more on things we didn’t need.

Twelve months ago today I requested a strict restriction on borrowing/overdraft be placed on my account as I can’t be trusted and that’s up as they could only do for one year at a time. So tempting to take the cash again as I built up a £3k overdraft in record time – far too easy to apply and have an instant decision with on-line banking. Money instantly available and a debit card in hand to gamble with so fucking dangerous with my track record. Providing they see plenty of income flowing into the account the banks don’t give a flying, so I need to contact them again. I’ve also recently applied for a new credit card and will therefore be able to post on the forum some time soon. I’m undecided on a new username yet, but possibly something like ‘See You Next Tuesday (C.U.N.T.).

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-18T09:57:00.000+01:00

Further ramblings

I’ve had a couple more emails from Betfarce that I won’t print up as it’s just more of the same and explaining why they are correct and why they are giving me fuck all. All they had to do to appease someone who is more likely to use their site in the future than they now would is send me an email, saying something like “We’re really sorry for your inconvenience and as a gesture of our goodwill, we will offer you a free entry to the $18k”. I realise they don’t have to do this, but clearly I would tell other people and who knows, they may think what a great piece of customer relations and play there too. I’m sure if anyone reading this that has already deserted the sinking ship, then it won’t encourage them to return any time soon. The point is that it would cost them fuck all, since the tournament often doesn’t meet its guarantee and they now have yet another disillusioned customer – they really don’t get it at all.

Another set of cunts to add to my ever growing list (I really should collate a list as there now so many of them) are a company called First Plus. We took a seven year loan out with them about two years ago, secured against the house. I can’t remember if this was the conservatory one, the car etc or just another one of my fuck ups. Anyhow, the cheeky cunts sent me a letter yesterday informing me that the variable interest rate on the loan is increasing by 1% to help make them more efficient! Despite interest rates being so low they advise that their rates are not linked to the Bank of England … a stance that I’m sure they’ll acknowledge when the rates eventually increase. Sounds like fucking theft in my book and the cunts should be made to collect wearing a mask, a stripy shirt and carrying a bag marked ‘swag’.

I successfully predicted all eight Champions league game results on Wednesday night, but threw in a Newcastle win and a Reading/Cardiff draw too. The £3 acca would have been worth £4,500 or as it now stands fuck all! I was watching the Liverpool game, who I had included in my main bet, but unfortunately had Newcastle in there too, so another loser. Perhaps I can get a return this weekend and I’m in such sparkling form :-( Selections this week are:

Aston Villa
Newcastle
Leeds
Notts Co (surely not what a surprise :-) )
Rangers

15/2 online with Blue Sq, not sure what price the high street are yet, but based on recent shite shop prices, probably no better than 5/1

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-16T15:46:00.003+01:00

Betfarce

I've been emailing the useless cunts at Betfair Poker regarding the WPT freeroll farce from Monday night and had the usual woeful response from the most unhelpful useless bunch of cunts on the planet (apart from BT and Tesco of course):

WPT freeroll problems 14-09-09

I entered a password protected WPT freeroll on Monday evening and this should have been for UK and Ireland players only. At one stage all of the overseas players were kicked out pre tournament but many managed to re-enter the 1000 strong field. It wasn’t the usual freeloader rubbish with a 15 minute clock and 2,500 starting stack so I gave my full evening up in order to play it properly.

With 13 players left and 2.5m chips in play I had over 500,000 chips but managed to lose them to foreign players who should not have been playing which is of course frustrating and finished 10th. There were nine prizes although of course I was only playing for first, but as one of the five remaining uk & ire players at the very least I would expect one of the 2-5 level prizes of an entry to the $18k and hopefully something to compensate my troubles.

Why is it that other sites don’t get these problems? It can’t have been that difficult to remove players before the tournament started and avoid this kind of thing. It was my first foray onto the software for a while after previous problems with connection issues and I am of course naturally disappointed that things don’t seem to have improved.

To date I have received no email from anyone at Betfair either confirming a prize given or even an apology for the farce that we were subjected too. I didn’t wait to watch the final table and only hope that one of the remaining few eligible players actually took down the prize.

I would be grateful if you could look into this as a matter of urgency please.

Best regards

Robert

Dear Robert,
Thank you for your e-mail.
Further to your below query, please note that this matter has been already escalated and being looked into by the relevant department in charge of these matters. Once we receive their feedback we will contact you back with the resolution to this matter. Thank you for your patience.
Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any further enquiries.

Dear Robert,

Further to your query regarding the WPT freeroll, please note that after this matter has been investigated it came to light that there was a printing mistake in the magazine and not the set up of the freeroll itself. Therefore a decision was reached to leave the rankings as they are and process winnings accordingly.
Thank you for understanding.
Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any further enquiries.

That is complete and utter rubbish.

The WPT in that format is not even printed across the rest of Europe and hence the reason that there were players removed at one stage. Once again you are tailoring the rules to meet your own error because it’s too complicated to rectify and once again you have not even had the courtesy for an apology nor made even a goodwill gesture.

This is quite pathetic for a company which leads in so many other ways. The password was distributed via European forums and the winner’s package included such a small amount for expenses that it couldn’t possibly have been meant to include overseas players. In addition an observer at the table (who we were not sure was legit or not) said that we had all won from about 40 players out as there were only 9 uk remaining. Another had the ear of the editor and was Pm’ing him. Even if your statement was true, then the very least you could have done was made players aware at the table of the error (tables incidentally which were full of foreign speech in the chat box which also contravenes your rules).

I know you will care little about this and I can’t say I’m surprised at your stance, but to say I’m disappointed would be a huge understatement.

Robert

I await their response, but I won't hold my breath!

2009-09-16T15:44:00.000+01:00

CJ from Eggheads …
… Is he the biggest cunt ever to walk this planet?

I’ve often suspected this may be the case. Last night I watched for the first time in a long while. He got through his own round for a change, with questions that my daughter could have taken a stab at and against one of the weaker opponents I’ve seen on there. He then proceeded to look his usual smugcunt (note all one word that I’ve invented specifically for him. Will be in the next edition of the Oxford) style for the remainder of the show. Over-dramatic, head in hands man each time someone got a question wrong. I swear if I had one bullet for one ‘celebrity’ it would be a close call between him and Davina McCall. Perhaps I could get them in line together and pray that one bullet went through them both.

I watched as I was waiting for my dad to collect me and go off to the football last night. I had already got an acca on the Champions League games (let down by Juventus) and was thinking about my bet for the Coventry match I was going to. I decided on Clingan first goal (20/1 tremendous value for a penalty taker), and a score of 3-2. I only had £3 on the score and no idea why I assumed there would be a glut of goals when in the six previous games had delivered a sum total of six scored and five conceded. Anyhow, 3-2 up and two minutes to go in a tense finish, Coventry were tested to the full, but it’s dilemma time. A free-kick outside the box and normally I would be screaming for it to go in and make the game safe … but I was in line to win £75 and found myself thinking ‘I hope he misses!’ Desperate really as three points far more important. They did manage to hang on (after five mins injury time!) for a deserved win (so glad as I fucking can’t stand Sheffield Utd for being such cheating dirty negative cunts) and I collected.

I had planned on an update yesterday, but had no internet connection again after the thieving pikey cunts did exactly the same as last time ripping out the copper wire again and the cheeky bastards had the balls to take it from the identical place – I’ll wager the BT guys are not best pleased with them, despite keeping them in work.

Not much other news really other than my necks still sore and I’m starting to get a bit concerned (although not as stiff as Swayze or Floyd’s). I wouldn’t mind some time off to rest it properly but I don’t get paid for it these days so I’ll struggle on until Friday, then I have a few days off. Betface have still not sorted out the freeroll issue from the other night. I emailed them to advise that I was disgruntled as it was one of those nasty foreign sorts who took all my chips.

Lastly, I was doing a bit of blog to blog links selecting random ones a few blogs away. I stumbled on some other degenerates that make quite good reading and one site that I can’t believe advertisers are not falling over to get on or that I’ve somehow missed it. The blog is called ‘guesshermuff.blogspot’. Each time the author adds a post of a woman’s picture and readers get to vote on whether they think the woman has a Natural/Trimmed/Landing Strip/Brazillian. Genius work and I shudder to think how much traffic that site must be getting :-)

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-15T01:19:00.003+01:00

You have to be fucking kidding me!

I walked into AA at least six times in the same tournament, mostly by fucking foreigners who shouldn't have been in the freeroll as it was UK and Ireland only.

1000 runners and I finished tenth! Nine prizes and only one worthwhile but second to fifth was an entry to 18k, so as one of the five remaining uk players hopefully I'll get one of those. Played reasonably well for about five hours despite the odd donking to knock me back, but managed to steal plenty - particularly when on a table of loads of sit-outs. I definitely was massive negative on flips and outdraws and only once outdrew with AJ v KK when I still had chips back. Players were pretty passive and without donkings I would have gone much closer. 2.5m chips in play and had over 500k with 13 left and blinds 8k/16k. I could have shut down a while but not my style and only one real prize .

Ah well at least I didn't have to pay for the usual cunty bollocks. First online game in ages and probably last for a while too.

Rob

2009-09-14T15:39:00.002+01:00

Quick update

I've just registered for my first online game in ages tonight and will be even more of a fish than normal as it's a freeroll with loads of players in. I'm fucked if I'm playing sensibly for such small prizes until I get chipped up. So it's probably out by 8.05 from an 8pm start :-)

Anyway, the reason for the post is that there are 853 already in it and I only remembered when someone posted up asking for the password on the forum and as I have it I thought I'd post it here (to share with loyal readers lol) for those of you who want to play - I know not that many of you do so these days, but if you're in time then the password is EUROPE (case sesnitive) - good luck! £1k WSOPE package for first and £18k entires for the final table.

Rob

2009-09-14T11:34:00.001+01:00

“Did someone order a cunt?…‘coz one’s just showed up”

It’s hardly a surprise that this is one of my favourite film quotes. It comes from The Business that was on Film 4 last night. Very predictable, trashy, low budget, mockney crap, but a fucking awesome watch. Probably one of the films I’ve seen more than any other and for me, one of the most quotable behind Lockstock and Snatch (I probably quote “Chill Winston” more than anything else).

I’m a real soldier being here at work today as my neck is absolute agony. I’d quite like to fuck off home after this update but I do have some shite to do. I woke up with a sore neck yesterday, no idea why. I would think that I have either slept awkwardly or been in a draught since I don’t recall knocking it. I must sound like a real wuss, because I’ve never known pain like it! I’m applying this Ice gel frequently although the recommended is no more than three times per day. It reminds me of pressing the morphine on pain management when I was in hospital some years ago. I doubt it can be that bad for me though and the five minutes of relief it gives, has to be worth it.

I said in the last update we were going over to see We Will Rock You in Birmingham on Friday and that I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I have to be honest and say it was fucking excellent. Don’t get me wrong, the scripting was pretty bad and very predictable and the audience were full of the usually over-enthusiastic theatre going cunts who want to join in, wave their arms about at every opportunity and go overboard laughing at unfunny jokes. However, it can’t take anything away from the performance and some of the singers were sensational. In particular Brenda Evans (big black woman you may remember from X-Factor a few years back) was outstanding. Probably the best voice I’ve heard live and well worth the money. The costumes were good too with lots of scantily clad women and Caroline said I bet you like those. Serves me right for being a tight cunt and not paying an extra few bob to sit nearer to the front :-)

Coventry drew at the weekend but were fucking useless again. To be fair they had a perfectly good goal chalked off that would have put them 2-0 up and probably safe, but in the second half they invited trouble, were beyond bad and tactically inept. Coleman inexplicably waited until they had shown their full hand and it was 80 minutes before he made the first change. If he couldn’t see that it wasn’t working he must have seen a different game to everyone else. Again it was one team that let my bet down, Rotherham being this week’s culprits. We’re really struggling cash wise with me not playing much poker and I could do with a purple patch on the betting front sooner rather than later. Oh and that cunt Lee murdering Hughes scored another fucking hat-trick for Notts Co again too!

Before I finish I must mention mum’s reaction to the 102 minutes documentary last week on tv. She said that she found it unable to watch and turned it off. We assumed that she meant due to the horrific scenes of people jumping out of the windows but it was actually because of all the over-dramatic yanks shouting “Oh my god” etc, every 30 seconds :-)

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-11T11:53:00.001+01:00

Banned for life!

The cunts at Betfair have banned all of my accounts now. I have a couple with no username set that need KYC checks doing if I can be arsed and I can still view on one account, but I must have seriously upset one of the big noises there as I have no posting rights for life with no remissions nor chance of parole. Twaddsy tried to get me reinstated last week and was met with a brick-wall and unless some sad cunt has complained about me (which I wouldn’t be surprised about) then they have banned all associated accounts through ip addresses. Utter fucking Hitler cunts obviously have nothing better to do with their poxy lives. Maybe they read my first post here years ago when I said they could finger their arseholes and eat shit.

It's probably not a bad thing as I waste too much time there, but I do like to fish. In particular I like to try my bait on the footie and chit-chat areas where angling skills of a blind amputee could get a decent haul these days – not even a sport any more. Recently I’ve started some sensitive stuff on the miners strike (can get the whole of the north outraged with one timely comment) or Michael Shields/Steven Gerrard which has a similar effect on the Scousers.

It must be a time for banning as I’m also banned in the house from referring to Mr Tumble as Mr Paedo that I mentioned on here a few posts back. We share some similarities in that we are both fat jolly chaps who like kids, the only difference being that I don’t look like I touch them inappropriately. In fact that CBeebies is one fucked up channel. There are few strange Scottish people on Balamory and the studio presenter has a stump for an arm that you just can’t take your eyes off. I find it difficult to listen to a single fucking word she says whilst that stump is on view. I know it sounds mean (and you’d think I would know better with my spacca foot) but I can’t help it. You’ll agree that the mental image of her shoving it up Heather Mills is a step too far even for this blog.

I guess the real reason I dislike the channel so much is that they have catchy jingles for kids and I find myself continually stuck with tunes in my head. How can you tell people at work what you’re humming when they are into all the latest shit of which I have no knowledge (or interest). I can hardly say “It’s Carrie and David’s pop-shop”

We’re off to see ‘We Will Rock You’ tonight in Birmingham and Amelia is staying overnight with my parents. I was a bit concerned as Mum has just found out she has Shingles but apparently it’s ok for Amelia to be around her. She can only get Chicken Pox from them which I’m told isn’t a bad thing at her age, and we’re supposed to encourage her to get close although it seems fucking cruel to me. The flip side of course is getting them much later in life and I remember a mate having them at Christmas when were all out on the pop and he was stuck in. When he did come out, he couldn’t shave due to the spots and looked fucking hilarious. It made our night taking the piss out of him.

Whilst I’m on about my mum I remember when I was a kid and she used to have this metal thing that you put the bar of soap in when it became too small to use and then when you had enough, you got another bar out of them (some of you now scratching your head thinking Jesus, how fucking poor were those cunts?). I don’t know what reminded me of this other than I have just bought some value soap from Tesco’s - 3 bars for 13p!! For those of you struggling, that’s just over 4p per bar and yet we saved bits up worth a fraction of a bar to make a new one??? Perhaps it hasn’t always been as cheap, but I can’t imagine we were talking large sums and tbh, I know they weren’t well off, but that’s completely taking the piss. Fucking Big Issue sellers would hold a collection if they thought we needed to do that. In fact I bet the thing she would have bought to keep the soap in from one of those cunts that knocks on your door, cost more than the amount saved on soap and perhaps that’s why it was used to justify the fucking existence of it!

Footie this week and I’m staying away from Coventry again. I reckon I should steer clear of Notts County too. I’m going to proceed to tell you a few reasons why they should be omitted and then contradict myself by including them, simply on the basis that the team on paper looks like it should win every week!

Ok, well for a start the crookies are scared of them and they will therefore represent no value on the coupons. There are some big name ‘Charlies’ who will think they have a divine right to win (even their fans I heard were saying “we have to beat cunts like that” after drawing a game – short memories). They may not have gelled right yet and finally I think they will need to sack Porterfield before they can move on. I know that sounds harsh as he has done nothing wrong, but I get the impression he knows that he is on borrowed time waiting for Sven to take over or probably put a bigger name in place as soon as any small thing fucks up. I’m not even sure he will have the respect of the players which can never be a good thing.

Ok the four I fancy this week are Liverpool, Leicester, West Brom and Rotherham (7/2 high street or 4/1 on-line). I’ll add in Notts Co, Celtic and Rangers for a smaller bet on the seven (12/1 high street or 17/1 on-line).

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-10T15:58:00.000+01:00

Yawn Rape

I am aware that this blog currently reads like a Victor Meldrew diary, but it makes me feel better :-)

For once I didn’t have a bad day in Leeds on Tuesday, despite my pre-journey moaning on here. More successful working and with time to kill beforehand, I popped in the bookies by the station. The racing hadn’t started and after telling everyone what a fucking rip off those roulette machines were, it must have reminded me to play them. Only had little more than a score on me, so I couldn’t do much damage, but I walked out with £200 and a bet on last night’s internationals (that went down courtesy of Denmark). We went to Ikea with the winnings that night to get some Expedit shelving for the conservatory and sort out Amelia’s toys in order that we can have our room back.

In fact the only downside to the entire day (apart from missing one connection and therefore a 30 min delay) was some spluttering cunt two seats away. It reminded me … what the fuck has happened to Swine Flu? Two months ago we were all going to die and it was more deadly than the great plague. Undoubtedly hyped up by the Maddie McCann Sky news channel and will reappear on ‘no news days’. Utter cunts under the pretence of journalism.

The reason for the title is that I watched Mock the week on iplayer late last night. It should probably be renamed the Frankie and Dara show since they are the only ones normally whoever have anything funny to say. I fucking hate that smug little bastard Russell, but I did appreciate his line about yawn rape (you put a finger someone’s mouth when they are yawning and proclaim yawn rape) when the bloke that was being ‘yawn raped’ said “thank fuck I didn’t fart”. I’ve done similar for years, but usually only say “goal” and I just know I’ll be saying it from now on.

On the footie, England were always going to qualify from that position but last night was a good performance too. Croatia should have had a penalty at 2-0 and it could then have been difficult, but would have been harsh on a team that against usually well organised opposition, for once looked to have a cutting edge. The rest of the uk teams fucked up, the snivelling little cunt (Muggay) lost at the US Open, so remains slam-less and suddenly all is good with the world once again … well that is apart from letting guilty Scousers like Shields back out on the streets. If there’s anyone left reading I must have offended you by now so fuck off :-)

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-07T12:25:00.002+01:00

Loser, loser!

Not only did I manage to fuck up on the football Saturday, but I did so twice. It takes years of dedication and commitment to be that fucking useless so well done me! I was too late to get the bets on (again) and missed Charlton We went for a ruby at a mate’s house on Friday night which was lovely but I had the shits in a bad case of Ghandi’s revenge. No problem as I had seven other ‘certs’. By the time they had fucked up via Notts Co and Norwich at 4.50, I still had time to get back to the bookies and put on the short prices for the evening games (including England who I thought were awful and short of ideas). That went down too, courtesy of Poland and France. I also had a few quid on Gerrard first goal. No idea why other than Rooney was too short and I was considering Gerrard or Lamps and picked the wrong one (oh really Rob, you don’t fucking say!). I managed to cover some of it wining £75 in there on the gee-gees so not all bad.

What is it with the high street crookies and the cunts who set their prices way shorter than the on-line ones? I don’t use credit cards any more which I know costs me value, but I’m not to be trusted with them, so I pick the shop with the best price. If you look at oddschecker and then go to the shop (Corals on Saturday which is an eight mile round trip out of my way to get to the nearest) and find them completely inaccurate. It fucking stinks that they have the ability to change coupon prices down as they reflect on-line money. Another case of the wankers having their cake and eating it, although it matters not as shops these days are only a front for their roulette bots.

A few years back my mate ran a local bookies for Billies. He had two fruit machines in there which generated £1,200 profit every week. They took those out to replace with the bots, so I don’t want to think how much they must be making from those. Frightening really and they’re always busy – cunts who prey on the addicted like me and there will be a lot worse and lot more frequent.

Fortunately I managed to give them up, but I’m always afraid of slipping back. I used to stand for hours in front of the fruities to win a jackpot smaller than the amount I put in. It’s very sad to see others doing the same, but I understand. If I put a fiver in I would chase until I won plenty or lost the lot so the only solution is to stay off all together. It’s like having biscuits in the house. I can go weeks without biscuits but if I open a packet with a coffee, I’ll eat the whole fucking lot (fat bastard!).

As I’m writing this, I’ve had to break half way through to respond to a cunt who called me unprofessional in an email I was copied into. I’m not sure telling her to go fuck herself would have helped, but she should get hold of the facts before throwing accusations so I’ve just explained that I’ve removed their credit terms and they now buy pro-forma if they want anything. That should stir a hornets nest and make it difficult for split arsed cunt and might teach her a fucking lesson. Oh and whilst I’m on about work I’m off up to fucking Leeds again tomorrow to waste another day on the train - cunts!

Anyhow back to the blog … I was reading on the forum last night about the naughtiest things you did at school. One thing that I’m not exactly proud of but was quite funny at the time was a racist moment with a couple of other lads. We were dancing round this Asian girl singing “Brown girl in the ring”. We thought it was hilarious until she started crying and the teacher got involved, looking back nothing better than bullying, but as kids you don’t really consider that (don’t judge me!). I also remember being sent out of French for farting continuously on wooden chairs despite being told to stop. We painted Tip-ex down the blazers on the chairs in front and flicked ink at the back of the white coat of the chemistry teacher. Apart from a few other small pranks that usually involved me being the class fool, I was never really that rebellious and I quite enjoyed school. Perhaps my memory has been tainted.

One story that did make me laugh on the thread was from a guy who said that they had a supply teacher and when the list was sent round to add your name, he invented a new pupil. The class were in on the joke as this made up student’s absenteeism got worse. In future weeks and they even took it in turns to hand homework in for him with various rogue sightings in other classes. They were only rumbled when the teacher complained and the head had no record of the pupil. Perfectly harmless and genius work in my book, I only wish I‘d thought of it myself. Well played HRH Lager Kahn.

No poker for me last week and I doubt there will be any this week either as I’m not exactly flush. I’m considering an on-line game as I wouldn’t mind a crack at a WSOPE qualifier. I doubt I’ll do any good, but might be worth a go at running good as the end prize is a life changing one.

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-04T11:05:00.000+01:00

Another Mug Acca

I was thinking of picking six and then rolling a dice to eliminate one each week. That way, on average I will get a return one time in six that I would have gone down by the proverbial one team! This week I can’t as I’ve picked eight teams. International week although I’ve avoided all the friendlies (was tempted by 3/10 Holland at home to Japan) and all of the 1/100 shots. I still have some lower league fancies too.

Bosnia
Moldova
Italy
Poland
Spain
Charlton
Norwich
Notts Co.

The eight-fold pays 20/1 so only a small investment needed and I’ll try and select five of them in the morning for a bigger bet.

Oh and btw Wildcat, Rugby is for gayers! :-)

Good luck
Rob

2009-09-02T10:30:00.001+01:00

It never rains it only fucking pours

I’m not talking about the shite summer we’ve had as it matters not when you’re stuck in a dead end office job throughout the day, but instead about my usual woeful punting. Well no fucking surprise there then :-(

My acca went down by the usual one team and it was Notts County who were this weekend’s bunch of cunts. They cost me a monkey I could really have done with. Sadly that wasn’t the end of the betting pain for us this weekend. Caroline had a silly £5 six-fold on decent prices that was let down by a penalty three minutes into injury time against Southampton. I then picked out five for Sunday (Celtic, Hearts, Everton, Aston Villa, Man City) for a 20/1 five-fold. I was fairly skint after losing the day before and couldn’t really afford it at the moment but as I’d picked them out, I wanted just £20 on them to win £400.

I was playing snooker and missed the 12.30 kick off so I didn’t bother and wasn’t going to phone a mate up as I did that on a loser the week before. I thought, no panic as it probably won’t come in anyhow. With the first four in and Villa 1-0 up I was praying for an equalizer (despite the Mrs supporting them) that sadly never came. Fuck! Of course it made no difference if they won or drew, but I wanted to feel vindicated in my decision not to have bet. I’m starting to believe that I must be the unluckiest punter in the history of gambling.

Football not getting great press again at the moment with the standard post deadline rants about wages (Coventry signed nobody again!), the whinging about diving and of course the current bout of hooliganism. I know it’s a small minority spoiling it for the rest and that the hoolies these days, are generally knife wielding cowardly scum, but it tarnishes the image that has been built in recent years. Anyone who thought WestHam/Millwall would pass without trouble is naïve at best and in the case of the policing, in my mind, partially culpable. It was a Cat C match and there was plenty of intelligence to suggest what would happen and yet they still arrived ill-prepared and short on numbers.

Whilst talking about West Ham, I see Calum Davenport is out of danger, which is great news, but his career still under threat. In the canteen last week I picked up one of the tabloids and in the piece about his incident, it suggested by way of a big bold headline that it was sparked by a race row. This grabbed my attention as I was surprised, but it went on to say that he might have disapproved with his sister being pregnant to a black man. What, that’s it? And yet the headline was as though there was some substance to this??? Now of course I have no facts either to suggest that it wasn’t race fuelled, but when his sister already has a mixed race child (called Calum after his uncle!) that the article fails to mention, it would be a huge surprise if that was the case. I get completely fed up with such lazy journalism, I don’t know how they get away with it let alone get paid.

Ok a lighter note to finish with after all that gloom. We were reminiscing at home about holidays from years gone by and recalled a place in Lanzarote a few years back where we went all-inclusive (not to be advised on European breaks). The on-site entertainment/cabaret was poor, but I guess its difficult trying to appeal to so many different nations, but the majority of which were an English/German split. Before each evening’s post meal entertainment began there was a kids section.

They played all of the songs which required actions for about twenty minutes, things like Agadoo and the Birdie song. But to my complete shock, they played “I am the music man” and left in all of the verses. I just stared in disbelief as they had innocent kids of all nations running around arms outstretched singing “I can do the Dambusters”. To my amusement, it gathered pace with me each night that passed, so much that I actually looked forward to it and giggled hysterically like a schoolboy, to Caroline’s disapproval. I so wish we had Amelia back then because I would have had her doing the upside down goggles and goose-stepping too. I don’t think the German parents deemed it appropriate and the faces of those who were aware of the lyrics, was priceless. Oh and whilst we’re talking about kids stuff, there’s a fella on CBeebies called Mr Tumble who I swear should be on a fucking register.

Hope your punts fared better, good luck
Rob

2009-08-28T14:45:00.003+01:00

Tips - no Coventry!

(although I do think we'll win lol and may put them in a long list acca)

Tottenham
Chelsea
Huddersfield
Notts Co
Rangers

Barely groundbreaking stuff again with some of those, but a small priced winner is better than a big priced loser every time. Whole acc only pays 9/2 (4/1 on high st) but I fancy it quite strongly.

Good luck
Rob

2009-08-28T10:01:00.002+01:00

GUKPT summer festival - Ricoh report

I played the £200 at the Ricoh last night and was fairly eventful until the inevitable time that I fail to run good in the pot that matters … again :-(

I met a couple of mates (Gareth and Wonky Jim) before the tournament and had a chat at the bar, before getting seated albeit a little late. I think they were waiting to attract a few more runners and there were only 77 entries (65 when we started playing) which was a little disappointing. Then the table draw … we started on 9 tables and we were only 7 handed on ours. In a low value tournament the six opponents on my table included Wonky (directly on my right), Paul Jackson (two seats to my right) a couple of faces that I recognised but didn’t know and an empty seat to be filled by Mickey Wernick – Oh joy! :-( Hardly a ‘player’ in the tournament and I seemed to have all of them!

Anyhow, settled in fairly quickly and won a few small pots before donking off to Jim and back to square one. Small build again before an interesting hand (well I think so). I have AJo on the bb and all fold to MW in late. He puts a small raise and one caller all pass to me and I complete. Flop is J high but three hearts and I have none. I have no idea where I am, so check as I don’t want to play a big pot here. MW leads, guy calls and is its only small I decide to peel another, hope for a brick and see what happens. Brick arrives, I check MW leads again for about 700 this time which was approx half pot. The other guy calls and I ‘m fairly sure that MW who has played a lot of pots would bet here regardless and the other guy may have a big draw … but if I’m honest I really don’t know what I should be doing here and therefore should probably pass, but in the weakest of all moves with just one pair I decide to call again. Pretty poor really because not only do I not know where I am, but I have no plan for the river.

River comes and it’s a fourth heart. Now I’ve given up the pot in my head, but in a bizarre twist of fate the dealer sees me riffling chips as I always do and had not changed my motion (which the other players agreed) but he made an error believing me to have checked and offers the action to Mickey. Two quick checks from them and I say “woah hold on a bit, I’ve not acted yet” … which I hadn’t, not trying to pull a fast one, it was genuine.

Now I have a dilemma they say well let’s see what happens. The draws I put them on, were obviously inaccurate and with 3.5k in the middle I think I can now pick the pot up with a bet. I bet 2k and they call for the floor. Eventually they all agree that my bet stands and they both muck - apparently both had two pair. I try to look disappointed and tell Jim that I had the nut flush. Takes me to a decent stack and I maintained until the table broke at about 10k.

Not long after I move I manage to get my first ever live Royal Flush on the turn holding JTs although I only collected 2500 on the river and I missed a lot of chips. The guy utg seat one had flopped a set of Queens and played them slow enough for me to hit in a three way pot. If I knew he had them then I could have got 1500 or so on the turn and forced him to call a bigger river bet … pity the river dint pair the board, but that’s greedy and you cant have everything :-) I’m now at approx 14.5k which I maintain until the break and the average in the room is just under 8k.

Immediately after the restart our table breaks. I get on a table with a couple of idiots one who soon departs but his drunk mate was still hitting every board so I’m patient and wait for a hand. An hour in and I’ve not won anything. Average is now 9,500 but blinds are only 150/300 and I still have 13,500 so no pressure. I then get AcQc on the button and the drunk had already limped, I make it 1100, sb calls, bb passes and the other guy calls again. Flop Ad6c4c – excellent. Sb checks, numpty leads 1,200 I make it 3,100 and sb shoves for approx 9k. Numpty passes and despite knowing sets make up a huge slice of the sb range here, I’m never passing. He has 666 I miss of course and I’m playing 10bb. Pass for a complete orbit, shove with AK after one limper and get called by 99. Lose the race and I’m on my way home.

Now it may sound like sour grapes to be bemoaning my luck when I’ve found a lucky spot in the early hand, had a RF, a healthy chip count etc. but once again, despite not doing an awful lot wrong, I’ve missed in the one key pot that would have given me a genuine chance. Average chips needed for the final table is approx 45k and if I win that pot I have 26k with 43 players left. Must be my turn soon I hope :-(

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

Hopefully Jim and Gareth have fared better. They were both still going when I left and I’ve not heard from them yet today.

Good luck
Rob

2009-08-25T11:04:00.000+01:00

I’m special

I have a gift. It’s a fairly meaningless one, I wish I had an invisibility cloak or X-ray specs, but mine is with telling the time. I don’t wear a watch and for some reason unknown to me, I’m incredibly accurate on ‘guessing’. I don’t stand with my cock out in the shadow of the sun as some kind of modern day Helios. Unfortunately I doubt I’d even see it under my gut unless I got an erection … and then only just. Anyhow from the fact that it does nothing but fucking rain every day regardless would stop that (obviously I mean a cock shadow not an erection). On reflection X-ray specs wouldn’t be safe as I doubt anyone wants to see a grown man constantly wanking in public.

Now that I mention it, I guess this is as good a time as any to reveal that I’m proper fucking mental. I add up rows of numbers because I can’t help it, remember telephone numbers from people who are dead or that I’ve not seen for twenty plus years and know some weird sums instantly – sometimes although not often enough, it works in live poker too, putting players on exact holdings rather than just a range (sure if we do this every time we will get some right through complete luck, but it’s more often than it should be). I think the truth of it is that I’m a little autistic, or as I like to refer to myself – a retard. If you couple this with my Tourettes, then I’m a proper fucking fruitcake who should probably be in some secure mental health unit, but I’m more of a danger to myself than anyone else.

I’ve always cross-addicted too and always had a number of ongoing ‘tics’. Thankfully these aren’t the sweary kind that make me walk down the street shouting wanker and cunt to all and sundry (I save that for you lot on here), but a few involuntary movements and habits, probably more OCD’s than anything else. I would go and get some help or go to a support group, but I know it would make me worse and I would spend the whole time I’m there pissing myself and getting new material as I ridiculed others. I don’t think that’s what they really want these groups to be about. It would be ok if you got some kind of financial reward, but my kind are just afflicted with having the piss taken and we can’t even get a blue spacca badge for better parking. Perhaps next year when my club foot is fixed next year I can apply for one.

No real meaning to this post, just in the words of Stu Ungar, I’m explaining the man behind the shades, for those of you who read it ... and I know from a post on the Betfair forum that at least a few of you do. I was wondering if I was talking to myself tbh, not that I mind as it’s only a diary anyhow, but nice to know it’s not a complete waste of time, effort and company salary as I generally update from the office :-)

Good luck
Rob

2009-08-24T12:04:00.004+01:00

Get well soon Calum (and your mum)

Kind of puts things into perspective a little when you read about events like those that have happened to ex-Coventry defender Callum Davenport at the weekend who if you've not heard was stabbed twice in each leg. A vicious and cowardly attack obviously aimed at finishing his career by targeting his legs and I understand he required four hours of surgery having lost a huge amount of blood and may yet still lose a leg. It looks like it was a family issue from reports, but I don't know the details and it would be unfair of me to repond any further than I already have based on hear-say (not that it's ever stopped me before lol).

My opinion on knife crime is simple, don't carry and you can't get into trouble with it. Knives and guns appear a scurge on modern society and it seems now that every cunt has one. All I was ever likely to get as a gobby git when pissed and I was out on the town, was a slap or at the very worst a punch on the nose. Frightening to go out in many places now and they need to get tougher in handing out sentences.

Callum was a very promising young player when at City and has been unfortunate with injuries since leaving. although I think his career would be the last thing on his mind at the moment, as it looks as if he will be lucky to keep his legs and hopefully walk again first.

Ok, other news. My acca went down again by the now standard one team and is becoming a habit I would very much like to break at such an early stage of the season. If you can avoid my banana skin, you'll get rich!

I've been discussing the potential for my parents to take out some equity from their house to spend as they wish. Dad is due to retire next April, however I know he would like to retire sooner but can't afford to. They are adamant that they want to leave their house to me and my brother. We both hate seeing them struggle and would prefer them to enjoy their money that they've worked hard for. It bothers us not if there is only £1 left as long as it's 50p each and fair, but they are determined that we do ok.

Don't get me wrong, they're not on the breadline and unlike the majority of the country have no debt as they are from the generation "if we can't afford it, we won't have it". But they have a fully paid up house and are struggling for holidays or car bills etc and dad having to work when he doesn't need to - it seems wrong. Stress levels they don't need at their time of life could mean we have them around for less time than we otherwise would, so I'm trying to help them choose the cheapest and best options to borrow. Even getting them to discuss it is progress.

If I can get them to take out about £25k on interest only, then even if they're charged somewhere in the region of 4%-5% it's about £100 per month and therefore affordable. Better than equity release and home reversion plans I think too, but I do want to do what's best for them not us.

I'm staying away from betting for the next few days, so no Carling Cup tips as I don't want to jeopardise playing at the Ricoh on Thursday.

Good luck
Rob

2009-08-23T00:32:00.005+01:00

Fucking Sky Blue Blinkers Again :-(

When will I learn?

Probably never, but the useless cunts cost me £760 today. It was easy again too if I supported anyone else. I said to the mrs in the morning that I could add ManUre, Dirty Leeds, Boro and Charlton to the six I picked but I wasn't adding any more and not changing my mind. Nine fucking win and Coventry lose 1-0. Missed a penalty when still 0-0 too. Fucking jinxed. Shit game too.

Fourfold for tomorrow is probably just chasing money but, Everton, Chelsea, Cardiff and Rangers pays 10/1 and probably worth a few quid if I can get on in time as I'm playing snoker in the morning.

I missed most of the cricket today which seemed like it was going well. Very pleased for Warwickshire's Trott and the convicts need to smash the fourth innings record to win this one, but I just have a horrible feeling about it and 80-0 overnight suggests not too unfounded. God I hope I'm wrong.

Good luck
Rob

2009-08-21T14:38:00.001+01:00

Saturday Groundhog Acca

I was retardedly knocked out of the rebuy donkfest last night, but played a little cash afterwards and covered my night and expenses. Perhaps as well that I did, because I was pretty pissed off with the game.

Not an awful lot else to post really, but lucky I still can post at all. Just been for a pint and a burger with a couple of mates at lunchtime and met the millionth conscutive driver who deems it ok to take the racing line at roundabouts when going straight on. Fuckwits. Anyhow my bets for the weekend:

Arsenal
Man City
Coventry
Leicester
Notts Co
Celtic

I’ve not seen any prices yet as it’s a non gambling sites on the filter today, so there could be loads or little value and I’ll assess a bit more tomorrow.

Coventry signing Jack Cork on Loan from Chelsea today. Great potential but should get an interesting reception, as he had some unkind words to say about the club after they sacked his dad (Alan) last year.

Good luck
Rob

2009-08-20T11:12:00.000+01:00

Thieving Pikey Cunts (& goooooooo Freddie)

Unfuckinbelievable. No internet connection yesterday because a group of Pikeys with fairly sophisticated machinery managed to cut a huge thick copper cable at both ends of the industrial estate and rip out with a lorry in order to sell for scrap. The BT engineers said this is quite common now. A very ballsy operation, particularly to carry out in broad daylight too … but would you really question a group of workmen digging a hole?

Anyhow this meant I had to do some work yesterday, which to be honest probably wasn’t a bad thing as I got plenty done without distractions and there are less people to delegate to at the moment. Not even any temps that I can get to do most of my shit. I also couldn’t book some tickets that I promised Caroline for ‘We Will Rock You’ at the Birmingham Hippodrome. It’s only there until 12th September, so I got my arse into gear when I got home and we’re going on Friday 11th. Not my kind of thing really as I have no culture and hate most arts. Theatre, opera, ballet, art itself, even cinema, music and much on tv bore me – I guess it’s because I can’t gamble on them, although if any mates were going I’m sure we’d find a way. To be fair I don’t mind Queen so I can just chill and listen then perhaps a ruby at Delhi Palace on the way home will redress the balance :-)

BTvision didn’t call me. Now I know this will surprise some of you as they are usually true to their word and run a slick operation, but a follow-up call was required from me yesterday. Useless fucking fucktard cunts! Anyhow, no real news next deadline is Friday and I have a guys name who will “make something happen” then. I won’t hold my breath but I guess there’s nothing I can do. I’m still waiting for a call back from the hospital too, whose deadline has also passed. I’m waiting to see a consultant about my spacca foot and possible fusion but they seem like another disorganised bunch. However they won’t feel my full wrath as I’ll be a little more patient (no pun intended) with someone who has the power to carve me up.

More useless bets last night, hope nobody has followed me since last weekend, but I’ll persevere with some more this coming weekend. I expect Cov will go in again at home to Swansea if the price is anything like reasonable. I have a £20 rebuy donkfest to play this evening too, so depending on how successful or not I fare will, I guess, determine the level of stake.

As I type this (on Tabl+Alt, as too many bosses in the office today and I should be working, so hopefully makes some kind of sense lol) I have Cricinfo open too. Freddie has made the XI and we’ve just won the toss. Now all we need is some decent weather as forecast and hopefully we can get a positive result. Good attacking line up and the right decision from selectors for once, so fingers crossed. I won’t be trading on this match at all (unlike the massive sweat I had on the last Oval Ashes test in 2005) and just want to enjoy it. Come on boys.

And finally ... nice to see they’re finally burying Michael Jackson. Fucking disgusting paedophile must really be starting to stink now, although maybe the plastic deters some of the maggots. I would have buried the cunt alive years ago.

Good luck
Rob

2009-08-18T23:26:00.002+01:00

WALOFS

W5 D2 L2
Ah well can't win em all and neither can Cov, but at least their unbeaten run continues :-)

A few for tomorrow:

Burnley v Man Utd
Hull v Tottenham
Liverpool v Stoke
Newcastle v Sheff Wed
Chesterfield v Notts Co

Selections in bold - hardly originals but 13/1 for the acca seems worth a few quid investment for an interest.

Rob

2009-08-18T15:46:00.003+01:00

Hot Rod

Don’t panic no spunk dribbling from my arsehole in some kind of gay euphemism, I simply went to the local KFC and had a fully loaded Hot Rod meal for lunch. They did give me a cool mint herb sauce … or at least that’s what I think it was. Very nice – will definitely be back for another one of those.

I was going to play poker tonight at the pub, but not sure I can be arsed and so will listen to the match and watch my bets on Sky sports news. I’m freerolling anyhow as I won £70 in there at lunchtime when I went to put my bets on and only punted £75 in total so £5 worst case scenario and I think I can live with that.

Selections are £40 on Wigan, Ipswich, Middlesboro, Leeds and Bournemouth, £30 on Chelsea, Coventry, Sheff Utd and Huddersfield and a £5 acca on all nine. I don’t expect them all in again but you never know. A little greedy, but I could do with another result as we've been spending like money has gone out of fashion since the weekend.

Lets hope Coventry can remain top and I'll be looking forward to Swansea at home on Saturday. I had started to go more out of a sense of duty than anything else.

Tescunts have finally spoken with me today (despite telling me yesterday that they thought the paperwork may have gone missing again!) and they will deduct the excess and get a cheque to me shortly, so now I need to get the great Fozzinio round to me a genuine quote and get started.

Good luck all
Rob

2009-08-15T21:35:00.002+01:00

9 out of nine !!!

That's not too fucking bad is it? :-) Hope you were all on

I wasn't :-( but still did ok.

I was too late at the crookies and missed Chelski/Celtic but had £2 on the sevenfold, and £15 on a fourfold of Coventry, Notts Co., Sheff. Utd., and dirty Leeds. Returned £268 and £172 so £440 all in and happy days. My smallest bets for about two years as I was skint, but beggards can't be choosers and it's very welcome at the moment.

In addition I did a 50p Canadian on the Irish lottery tonight when I went to collect and three numbers in returns about £360 more, so I've had worse days.

Regards to all
Rob

2009-08-15T00:47:00.002+01:00

Acca

Footie looks pretty easy this weekend (so expect I'll fuck it up) although it's a few weeks away from serious investment yet. Anyhow I have nine fancies tomorrow and don't ideally want to select more than four or five of them, particularly as five are unprecedented aways!

Notts County must be in any perms since despite I hate the cunt Lee Hughes, he will score bucket loads as still far too good for that league despite his age. Evs away won't be seen for long on them, particularly now they have Schmeichel in goal. I imagine he is being paid a kings ransom to play at that level. Not overhyped just because of his dad imo, saw him first hand a few times and is an excellent shot stopper. Probably a little small in reality for a keeper but will be a class act in that league.

Will I choose the right ones from these? Notts Co, Coventry, Leeds, Celtic and Arsenal are the five aways, with Chelsea, Rangers, Sheff Utd and Stoke being the four homes. 250/1 for the acca is worth a silly quid but I don't expect them all in, more of an insurance in case they piss me off by all winning. Not got a great amount of spare to get on but if I can get about a 10/1 acca for £20 that will come in very handy.

Good luck all
Rob

2009-08-14T10:36:00.002+01:00

Sorry (I’m gonna be a moaning cunt again)

I guessed on my last blog entry that my BTvision box wouldn’t work … and I wasn’t disappointed.

After getting everything set up and running the ‘scan for channels’ option, only to see it find precisely zero channels, I called the ‘helpline’. After a series of checks and subsequent options whereby I was told to disconnect various leads and re-scan, the support guy confirmed my original thoughts that the receiver box was fine, but there was a problem with the original antenna on my roof. “Ok, no problem when can you send an engineer out to look at it for me”? A simple question, you might think, but not only can he not book one with a specific time, but it may be outside the 7 day period which means cancellation after this costs minimum £100. I therefore tell him that’s not acceptable and I wish to cancel immediately. He transfers me to another department who after holding for about 20 minutes, tell me they can get an engineer but he can only look at the box and not the ariel. Excellent, thanks for your fucking help you fucktard.

We go through a few options and she tells me that a bag will be sent out for me to return the stuff at the post office and all I need to do is get a receipt. Simple and finally some common sense … until she advises me that I will still be charged for my first months rental. YOU FUCKING WHAT???!?????******?????!!!! You honestly expect me to pay for one month service that I’ve not received nor had any benefit from and I’m returning to cancel on day one of an unsigned agreement, when I wasn’t notified over the phone in the only contact I’ve had??? She apologises but says words to the effect of like it or lump it!

I advise that if they try and take any payment, I will be cancelling the phone and broadband too and that I will first cancel new DD and happily see them in court over it. Throughout the next few minutes it’s like a broken record with her telling me I have to pay and me telling her she has more chance of getting raped by the pope. Eventually she puts me on hold to speak with their ‘off-line team’ who will take on the dispute and contact me within seven days, but this now overrides the option to cancel as she can’t cancel it if I refuse to accept the one month charge! Oh fucking outstanding and back to square one, but with two hours of my life that I will never get back.

My next question, bearing in mind I’ve had dealings with cunts like these before, was “what if they don’t call me”? She assures me they will, but as I reiterate what if they don’t, it’s explained that I will be charged! I request a direct number so that I can at the very least contact them in such circumstances, to be told there is no number for them. I’m sorry, have I understood this correct that a team of people who work for BT don’t have a fucking phone that I can contact them on? Completely sums up just what an incompetent useless bunch of arseholes that these cunts really are.

Ok, onto the poker and last nights ‘soft game’. What a complete fucking waste of time, effort and money that I can ill afford that was. I actually played pretty well for a change (even if I do say so myself), but needless to say I lost. No specific hard luck story, although if I had to explain the player who was smashing up the table and his actions, then anyone who has played the game at any level would simply not believe me, so I’ll leave the analysis there. If it was a freeroll I would struggle to understand but although a £100 game might be low rent for some of you, I expect play that at the very least has some level of competence.

Better news on the Cov front as they’ve signed Martin Cranie from Pompey. Finally getting some bodies in and a decent one here too if he can stay clear of injuries that have haunted him. Great piece of business by the club and despite being a little short still, the first XI is looking strong and could win a few games. I certainly think the’ll have too much at Barnsley tomorrow and should be included in any combinations.

Good luck with your weekend accas
Rob

2009-08-13T14:55:00.001+01:00

Tescunts

Tesco Insurance are the latest group of clueless wankers conspiring to ruin my life. Why the fuck these imbeciles are allowed to get away with such shoddy service god alone knows although I get the impression that their behaviour is encouraged. We have cars, house, contents and life insurance through these useless cunts, so lord help me if something serious happens. The current problem is with the house insurance.

I’ve never made a claim against house or contents insurance in thirteen years of being a home owner. It’s been so protracted that I hope that I never have to again. My claim is for a boiler leak back in June and the fucking spasticated cunts managed to spend an eternity deliberating, before passing it over to a third party … who are now not interested because of the claim value being below their threshold. I knew that his ceiling was £1k and therefore I got my mate (decorator) to compile a claim for £850+vat (£977.50 ;-) ). This will keep the assessors out and ensure that I make a few quid out of this mess to cover my excess fee. They lost the first quote and since submitting the second I have constantly chased them to provide details to no avail. The first retard couldn’t find any details logged on the file, but just as I was thinking here we fucking go again, her manager who I was ready to explode at, told me details were registered in Peterborough … not that he could transfer me there or give me a suitable number to dial but he would mark an email as urgent and request that somebody calls me on my mobile. He would also note my complaint on the file. At the time of writing this, no cunt has called so I will be back on shortly to give them another fucking bollocking.

I swear I’d be doing a stretch at her majesty’s pleasure by now if people dealt face to face with my issues like this. Despite being aware that fools walk among us daily but the ‘Sunshine Bus’ can’t be this big. In fact if they put all of the people who deal with any complaint I ever have on this bus, then it would have the cleanest inside windows in the history of travel. I’m not a naturally angry man and I’m not Hitler either - I do think simpletons deserve a place in society, only I’d prefer it if they were not on the end of every call I make.

I’d like to say that was rant over, but it isn’t. BT Vision have left a card for me to collect my new box and remote etc from the post office. I collected at lunchtime and it is accompanied by a simple set of instructions to install myself. Hopefully this wont be a problem, but I assumed when I signed up that an engineer would be doing this as I’m fairly sure that my tv antenna on the roof is not pointing in the right direction and doesn’t work (well the freeview box upstairs doesn’t work) so I can’t see this working either. I’ve always use the Sky Satellite so I’ve not needed this previously and I just know it will put me in a bad mood later. I could do without that as I’m playing a soft poker home game at a mates house tonight and I need a win. Ten players SnG with 20k starting stack and prizes of £600 less Chinese, so usually approx £520), £300 and money back for third. I’ve not been to one for a while but I want to play those Ricoh games and a win tonight would be very handy.

Whilst I’m on about fucking Simeons we employ some here too. I had a fruitless visit to Leeds yesterday. Six hours on filthy public transport with a combination of smelly vagrants and suits who think they’re so important that I want to hear about their boring lives as I listen to one side of their phone conversations. They talk like Dom Jolly so the whole carriage can be aware just how important they are in their chosen place of work. I guess they presume that their menial existence is of some interest to the rest of society. Well I have news for them and they’re fucking wrong. I want to shove the phones up their fucking arseholes and then call it, but I think too many of them would enjoy it.

When I eventually arrived I couldn’t do half the work I was expecting because some fucktards here hadn’t completed what I had requested and the people I was seeing didn’t have the correct info, so it looks like another visit next week. Oh joy :-(

To complete a great fucking day Cov lost at home to Hartlepool in the cup! They played kids in the side and couldn’t fill the bench but it’s their own fault if the squad has no depth.

Regards all
Rob

2009-08-11T16:22:00.002+01:00

Nearly an armful

I had a few pints at the funeral yesterday and the usual bottle of wine at night but feel remarkably good today. I guess I’m not totally convinced that’s a good thing and perhaps I need to at least slow down if not stop my drinking all together (not that I have a problem, but it’s a slippery slope). The funeral went ok (well as far as these things can go ok) and it’s even more of a shame that it was for Bri, because I know a good day like that with all his friends and family having a drink and a bite to eat is something he would have revelled in.

I’m back in the office after giving blood … and of course stuffing my fat face full of sweets and biscuits. It’s the only reason I go ... well that is apart from the 90 minute skive from work, naturally :-) called in at the train station on the way back to collect tickets for fucking Leeds again tomorrow and then nipped home to see if my BTvision pack had arrived. Unsurprisingly it had not, so look out for a British Telecunts MkII style update (for those of you who remember the first one in the archives of this blog) coming soon :-(

I received an email from Jim this morning about a mini GUKPT at the new G-Casino in Coventry (part of the Ricoh ground – formerly IsleOfCapri) and some of them look tasty for reasonable buy in levels. I have an even lower rent game later this week and would ideally like to play in them if I can get any kind of result there. The schedule is:

Thursday 27th August - £200 NL Hold'em Freezeout - 7.45pm - 2 day event
Friday 28th August - £150 NL Hold'em Freeezeout - 7.45pm - 1 day event
Saturday 29th August - £300 NL Hold'em Main Event - 4pm start - 2 day event
Sunday 30th August - £100 NL Hold'em Bounty Freezeout - 4pm - 1 day event

It’s going to be part of the main GUKPT calendar in 2010 which is handy for me. I’ve yet to play in any of them, but are affordable and have decent prizes. It’s also a nice casino if you’ve not been and only two mins from the M6 so really accessible (I sound like an advert).

Be lucky
Rob

2009-08-10T00:48:00.002+01:00

Great day today

It's my birthday, Cov won at home to Ipswich (despite Coleman's negative second half tactics which nearly cost us) and Clinton Morrison won me £80 for first goalscorer. Get the fuck in there! Bought new home shirt for me and Amelia too.

Gave an extra loud shout for my mate who always came up the footie and sat next to me for years, but died last week. Just me and Dad there today which seemed odd. Funeral tomorrow, but I know he was looking in. Cheers Bri, hope you enjoyed that - we toasted you tonight and undoubtedly I'll have a few for you tomorrow. RIP.

Rob

2009-08-07T15:18:00.002+01:00

I don't mean to be rude ...

“I don’t mean to be rude, but how can I put this … go fuck yourself” was my response to the cunt here who decided that me spending £50 to travel by train was too much and offered me a van to drive a 300 mile round trip to Leeds for a customer visit. Does he consider this when he stays overnight three times a week at great expense? Does he fuck! I didn’t even get a fekkin sandwich on expenses for my troubles.

This place is getting unbelievable, already we have lost approx 20% in real terms this year with no bonus, no rise and the removal of their portion of the pension scheme. Earlier in the year we lost 15 staff and would have been a higher number if yours truly hadn’t managed to come up with an estimated £0.5m in savings for the year.

They even tried to ban Betfair from the internet, but I can get round it most of the time although there are times when I can’t post. Not that it matters much as Lord Highstack is currently serving another life ban. I do still contribute on other accounts, but it’s not the same.

Well what’s been happening with me, since it’s a while that I updated … well I’ve not been playing poker with the odd exception of a social live game and I don’t particularly miss it as I don’t have the time. I’m still a fat cunt and I still like the odd glass of pop. The main problem as usual is I’m still skint. It’s been one thing after another with car problems, stag and hen weekends, overnights and presents for wedding etc (worked out spent over £1,500 for a wedding between us and it wasn’t ours!), holidays, house maintenance the list goes on ... and of course Amelia too :-) Yet we manage and I still have a job so I guess there are reasons to be cheerful.

A new footie season is just around the corner. I have had Coventry City on the phone just a few minutes ago before this post, moaning at me for leaving them an answerphone message calling them an incompetent useless bunch of cunts. She said “how would you like it if I called that you” I said go for it if you like, I couldn’t give a fuck. Anyhow at least I finally managed to speak with her manager after four failed answerphone messages. Three months they’ve been taking money out of my account and with the first game less than two days away I don’t have my season ticket. Excctly the same situation last season. Utterly pathetic. I sent an email too, calling them small minded and saying that it mirrored the on-field situation copying a few addresses in that I have and will certainly have ruffled some feathers I’m sure.

I don't expect great things from them since an already small squad last year has managed to sack, release and sell 11 players, purchasing only two. Anotehr difficult year of boredom lies ahead.

Wrong time of the season for betting really, but I have a fourfold for the opening day of QPR, Sheff Wed, Cardiff and Leeds at 7/1, so good luck me I could do with it.

I hope if anyone ever reads this, that it finds you in good health and running well
Rob

2008-06-20T10:53:00.001+01:00

Int Fathers Day brilliant?!

It’s like having an extra birthday. Caroline spoilt me rotten with things she had made and bought for Amelia last Sunday, but best of all she made me really happy by joining her up for the Junior Sky Blues :-)

As a Villa fan she said it was one of the hardest things that she had ever done and we had agreed (reluctantly) to let her make her own mind up as she grows, but Caroline knew how happy it would make me. She rarely gets the opportunity to go and watch games and knows that Amelia will want to go when Daddy is going to the football – besides we need the fans more!

I have loads of stuff to update that I haven’t got round to yet, but I will do it early next week, I just can’t be assed at the moment. I have had a bit more joy money wise recently, luckboxing $2500 last week winning an on line tournament and then £650 last night for winning a live game. Very much needed at the moment so long may it continue.

Good luck all
Rob

Thought for the day: Is Barack Obama the first black man to beat a white woman and not serve time for it?

2008-06-12T10:02:00.002+01:00

A couple of bad jokes that I liked ...

(I will do an update shortly - promise!)

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceedsto empty the cash drawers.As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks offhis balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the headand shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter andgoes over and shoots him in the head also."Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from adistant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gateswhen all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screamsDon't worry about that,' says St. Peter,'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?''Not to worry,' says St. Peter,'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.''I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.''You can't go there,'says St. Peter.'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.''Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

Back soon
Rob

2008-06-06T10:21:00.000+01:00

From bad to worse

Fuck!

Things are not going great at the moment financially. Caroline has not yet returned to work our depleted savings have now disappeared completely and therefore it doesn’t help when yours truly, goes out to play a perceived fish-fest live cash game and drops close to £500.

I shouldn’t have gone really as playing with money I couldn’t afford to lose was never one of my better ideas. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to play but no excuses it was 1/2 PLHE and should never have happened. I ran absolutely sick. Previously I had posted on the Betfair forum that I would be disappointed leaving with less than £1500 now I wish that I simply had my starting stack. I ran into flushes, houses, straights with immense regularity.

If I didn’t know the game and hadn’t played regularly with these guys then you would have sworn I was being stitched up. Of course I know this not to be true, but when you’re down it does seem to find a way of kicking you in the nads. My recent run wasn’t helped by last week’s fiasco when I was fortunate enough to have £10 on Terry for the first England goal at 25/1 in the local bookies. I went to collect, put on a ‘quick bet’, lost, chased and walked out of the shop skint! Dumb cunt!

On my last post you will note that I also did conkers on Hughes for the Man City job and things could not be going worse financially at the minute. Caroline, who has walked into just about every job she has ever wanted, is also struggling to find the right position. She doesn’t want to go back full time and wants to be able to take Amelia with her. As a nanny, I didn’t think this would prove too much of a stumbling block, particularly with her record and credentials, but unfortunately she is finding things difficult this time. Hopefully things will pick up soon … very soon!

One small contribution I have made to our financial plight is to cancel Sky and Setanta yesterday. The greedy fuckers put Sky up another £2 without telling me. I had been meaning to cancel for a while and not got around to it, so this prompted me into action. It’s crazy that I have had it for so long really as most of the tv we watch is available on freeview and we are shelling out £50 per month for it. I will miss the footie when the new season starts, but tbh if there is a game that I really want to see I could have a night out up the local with a few pints, two or three times a month for that money.

The other thing I missed last night, being out at the poker, was the new series of Big Brother. Yeah I know it’s on for months, but I’m not that interested in the actual show, I just like to see the pond-life entering to see how they have managed to find dregs always worse than the year before. I tuned into the live feed and looked at the website when I returned home and noted there is a retard from Coventry in this year. Exactly what the city requires, to show the watching public that all the women are overweight, gobby slags. That should bring the tourists flooding in lol.

One other ongoing problem I have is with regards to Betfair Poker treating me like a two year old, but more on that next time as I can’t be arsed to write it all up now.

I hope you are all enjoying better success than me
Rob

2008-06-04T14:28:00.002+01:00

Hughes you fucking cunt!

Why me??? FFS another managers job I've done my fucking bollocks on!!!!!!

Somebody please shoot me if I even look like getting involved in another one of these markets. Let's all pray that crook Shitawanka or whatever the fuck his name is, gets his assets frozen when the court case comes up and they have no money for teh greedy cunts to spend.

2008-06-03T10:12:00.000+01:00

Stupid is as stupid does

I doubt I will ever learn! A few years back I had a few punts go wrong on laying new manager markets on Betfair. I then had the chance to turn it all around and make some decent money on my best book ever when the Tottenham one kept running and running and new potential managers were added with almost daily regularity.

I had a full green book with new runners coming in at £10k+ and some of the more likely fancies that I had traded at big prices with over £20k on them. In fact I had such a great price on Santini that when he was first mentioned I joined Spurs fan websites to ramp my selection about what an ideal candidate he was and how lucky ‘we’ would be to have him. Only a couple of days before the appointment his price drifted dramatically, so much so that at 100s+ he appeared out of the running. I laid him all the way back down to zero. Frank Arneson emerged as a hot favourite and it looked like a done deal as he went odds on with only Martin Jol anything like short. This was even better news for me and so I got greedy and laid most of the book back. Then the cunts announce Arneson as Director of Football and Santini as Head Coach. I ended up making about £70 and I felt physically sick. I swore that I would never dip my toe in one of these markets again … until yesterday.

The merry-go-round at Man City could run and run for a few weeks and Hughes at 1.43 is laughable and far too short imo. That should be another ‘done deal’ at those prices but he hasn’t even suggested he wants to go there and I’m sure is using as a lever to get further up the pecking order for the Chelski position. More money to spend but not a massive jump from Blackburn and as an ex Man Utd player, I just can’t see it. A move there could also jeopardise his chances when the United job eventually comes up. Therefore I decided to take a hit on him and then again laid the book back with the listed runners and dived in again. My hope is now that an unlisted runner suddenly emerges as the new fav and this appointment takes a while. I know I’m going to fuck it up again, but value is value. Watch this space for another tale of woe shortly …

I didn’t get around to doing an update last week other than my Midget Fight lol (hope you saw it – also look up codjoined twins on you tube – classic!) as I was off work all week on the sick. I have a much better job and I’m far happier these days so you may wonder why I still take so much time off, but the truth is I just hate working for a living. The daily grind :-( I so want to be good enough to play poker or even the Betfair markets for a living. There are plenty of daily trading opportunities if you are not greedy, to make a simple £100 a day and stay off work but unfortunately I am greedy and this too will never work.

Before I started writing this one I’ve just been on facebook for the first time in ages. Some people have added me who I went to school with that I can’t even remember or whose photograph I don’t recognise. Others who I didn’t even particularly like have added me but after not seeing them for 20 years it would be a bit nasty to just reject them. I know I’m a cunt, but not a completely heartless one. In fact I’m surprised half the school isn’t banged up by now, or perhaps they have just got out.

Right I had better do a bit here before I get further behind as surprisingly nobody does fuck all whilst you’re away. I want some chocolate too, that would help me get through the morning, but I’m avoiding the vending machine here as I continue to try and diet. I had a banana for breakfast and it will be fucking cereal again for lunch, but I don’t know why I’m bothering as I’m not really losing any weight and dieting is dull as shit. I can’t see this lasting but I really do need to do something for Caroline and Amelia if not for myself.

Good luck all
Rob

2008-05-28T01:23:00.001+01:00

Midget fight!

I'm on the sick atthe moment and can't be arsed with a full update, but will do one when I get back to work. In the meantime if you have not seen the midget fight on Springer that a mate gave me a link to the other day then you must watch it - fucking hilarious stuff! :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4Wm4DXkcj0

Good luck all
Rob

2008-05-19T11:40:00.002+01:00

Hungry like the wolf

We were in Birmingham on Saturday and it was actually it was the Reflex we ended up in, but in keeping with the Duran Duran theme, I spent most of the time in there thinking that I was so hungry I could eat a scabby dog. This was despite having began the session with a full English and then consumed a burger and chips during the cup final. The biggest problem about dieting is that I am constantly thinking about food.

The Reflex is the king of cheese. 80s music all night and various items to purchase from behind the bar like big coloured Limahl style wigs, Madness trilby hats and Elton John's big glasses. We had all of them – it’s rude not to, isn’t it? :-) A fine state we must have looked after an all day session on the beer. I was completely shitfaced and have not drunk that much in a long time, but it was a good day with some mates, reminiscing about trips gone by - we all used to go to Weston every year for cup final weekend and have some pretty disgusting stories which I may share on here some time.

I had loads of bets too and didn’t win a thing (no change there). I did a Canadian on the horses, silly bets on first booking, correct scores, scorers, etc on the football and had a few quid on a tip that my dad phoned me up with – came second. Oh well, I never expect to win, but I should have just put it all on Pompey in 90 minutes as I told everyone what cracking value 1.8 was all day and then totally disregarded my own advice. A pretty awful game I thought, but we were more concerned with the pot of cash that was moving around between the seven of us, each time there was a dead ball situation. A few seconds longer and I may have won – another bad beat as it stopped one short! :-(

Apologies about the last post late on Saturday/early Sunday - I obviously thought it was funny at the time, but on reflection … sorry! :-)

I did awful at the tables on Friday night and then just played the ‘Betfair apology freeroll’ yesterday afternoon before railing Nibbles in the WSOP qualifier – hopefully he will get a result in the main event, congrats. In the freeroll I made a terrible play for a big hand when going nicely with AK on a missed flop and the classless tool (in a freeroll lol) was giving it some as he took a chunk of my stack. The same guy then took the rest when I nearly sucked out from the bb with QJ v his AA but he made a better two pair on the river. With 70 left he was second with a huge stack and 45 paid. I checked back in later hoping he had not won and as I scanned down the list, he had somehow donked them all off and didn’t even cash in 48th – how sweet :-) RichyTheDon, I won’t forget and your notes have been updated.

This wasn’t even close to the cunt of a thing that Meadowman did in the WSOP qualifier though. They were 3 handed in a $550 satellite for a WSOP main event package and the guy who finished third jammed on the flop with AA. Meadowman the slowrolling cunt, ran the clock right down before typing “ty” and calling with the flopped nut flush. Despicable act and as he has now qualified for a live event, I sincerely hope that karma deals him a huge bad beat that he regrets forever, whether that be on or off the tables. No excuse at all for what he did in such a big game.

Hopefully you all had a great weekend and all won plenty.
Regards
Rob

An elderly couple were attending their usual Sunday morning church service. About half way through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"

2008-05-18T01:14:00.002+01:00

Pissed as a cunt
Been in Brum on the lash for cup final day today and I'm pissed as arseholes. Had a good craic but I'm getting to old for a Leo, so glad to be back home.

Fuck you all
Rob

2008-05-16T10:32:00.000+01:00

Embarrassed!

The grin on the face of the shop assistant in Tesco when we bought a cock ring in with our weekly shop was totally uncalled for. Never anything we had considered previously, some friends of ours were telling us how good they were, so we bought one.

I’m not often shy and never short of a word, but sometimes things, should be more private (so I thought I would share it on my blog lol) and I concealed it with other things on the checkout belt. The smug little twat, sniggering away to himself as he scans the barcode, might as well have stood up and shouted his oppo at the end of the shop “It won’t scan, how much for the cock ring for these perverted cunts” I could feel myself going red. Anyhow, have not yet used it so I will report on that some other time :-)

Caroline is away for the weekend soon, so perhaps I will by myself a rubber cunt too, but I don’t think Tesco are selling those yet – certainly not on the value range :-)

I have played a couple half rounds of golf recently and I am still useless and I have also been playing a lot more poker than for some time. I’m not doing particularly well, but I am raking a lot so that should hopefully be a nice bonus at the end of the month.

I will need it too as we have a lot of expense. My car has just had tax and MOT this month, Caroline’s Tax due next month and she is unlikely to return from her maternity leave before the end of July. Her pay has now finished so we are surviving on depleted savings and my income. She went for an interview Wednesday night and things are looking quite promising to get the hours she wants and to be able to take Amelia with her which has been the stumbling block.

Ok then, I had better put a few hours shift in here at work and then it’s the weekend thank goodness. It has seemed a long week this week after only doing three days last week. I’m out on the lash with some mates for the FA cup final tomorrow – starting with an Alfie’s breakfast then into Birmingham to get pissed and upset the locals.

Have a good one yourself
Rob

(I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off.")

2008-05-08T14:49:00.002+01:00

"Peace be with you"

We held Amelia’s christening on Sunday and fuck me the church service goes on a bit. The vicar seemed a decent sort and we had a great day afterwards with friends and family, but there is no need for that much religion in one go :-) A mate of mine commented afterwards that he felt it was good for ‘cleansing the soul’ – like me he attends about once every ten years. I felt sorry for them actually and I am amazed they turned up, knowing how much they detest stuff like that. I honestly thought we wouldn’t see them until the reception.

At one point it did get a little much though. For no apparent reason, about half way through the service (the baptism was part of the Sunday main) some of the congregation start traipsing around the church shaking everyone’s hand and saying “Peace be with you”. It was bizarre almost to the point of being concerning. I’m sure they were all well meaning enough if a little odd.

Everyone agreed that Amelia looked fantastic in her little outfit and we were very proud parents. She slept through most of the service and didn’t cry at the important part. She also received some great gifts, my favourite of which was her first ever bet. One of my friends put £20 on the 1000 Guineas for her and insisted we open his before 3.10 in case it should be worthless after – he had selected the winner and taken 3/1 (rtnd 11/4) so £80 for her savings account that we have set up. It was a great present regardless of whether it won and very appropriate for a daughter of mine. Hopefully her luck will continue throughout life, although as we know, everyone wins their first bet.

At the reception I spent a considerable amount of time pacing around outside listening to the Coventry game away at Charlton. In the end we were lucky to survive in the Championship at the expense of Incester, but things were far closer than they ever should have been. A few times that afternoon, I was regretting not getting an Ayrton on at 40/1 for them to be relegated with a view that if I was going to be made to watch league 1 football, then I wanted my season ticket for free.

My diet went out of the window on Sunday too – stuffing myself with snack food and cakes, similarly on Monday with some leftovers. We threw a criminal amount of food away, but we thought it better to do too much than not enough, although I think we went a little ott.

Monday we went into town to spend Amelia’s vouchers for Mothercare/M&S and she has done really well. Caroline now has the un-envious task of preparing thank you cards for all of them – one occasion when I was glad that work beckoned.

I had a blast at golf on Tuesday and all being well, I’m getting out again tonight. I’m still a useless cunt at the game, but I intend to have made vast improvements by July for Duffs homie. If I can be competitive from 36 I will be pleased. Obviously I’m not going to win, but last year was just plain embarrassing.

Thought for the day (I think courtesy of David Brent): there is no I in team, but there is a U in cunt :-)

Good luck all
Rob

2008-05-02T10:12:00.001+01:00

Who ate all the pies?

You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies! Ok, they stopped short of calling me an obese cunt, but my recent visit to the doctors to discuss ‘weight’ issues was hardly going to be revolutionary. Since I don’t agree with pills to speed up metabolism it didn’t take Einstein to consider that the answer might lie in eating a bit less and doing some exercise.

This was a follow up appointment to my visit to obtain a referral to see a specialist at Warwick hospital for my spacca foot. I have that on 13th May to assess if anything can be done to aid my mobility as I want to be able to enjoy going to the park as Amelia grows older. At the very least, I should be able to wing it for an orange parking badge so that I can annoy everyone by abandoning my car when and where I feel like it :-) I doubt they will let me have a replacement joint but I’m not having it fused together and dragging a gimp foot around for the rest of natural, if it can be possibly avoided.

I played some single table turbos last night and started off ok, Variance commented at one point how much he had donated to me early on and asked if I was running well. That jinxed comment signalled the end of any run I may have been on. I took half a dozen sick beats in quick succession, some of them beyond awful an expensive run and particularly frustrating. Still at least I raked a little I guess :-(

Hopefully, you’re running better. Good luck all
Rob

Ps. A quick joke to finish with. If you haven’t already heard this it’s doing the rounds at the moment and coming to a text message near you soon:

In Austria a journalist asked Josef Fritzel’s neighbour how long he had known Mr Fritzel’s daughter, Alice. He replied “Alice, Alice, who the fuck is Alice? For 24 years I’ve been living next door to Alice … “ :-)